Soulless
by Sophia Hawkins
Summary: AU. Matt Casey's world is shattered by a betrayal at the hands of the person who he loved the most. Can he pick up the pieces and move forward?
1. Chapter 1

Soulless

A/N: Dark themes, lots of raw emotions, Kleenex may be required. Please read and review.

Kelly Severide heard somebody beating on his door and he went to see what was going on. He undid the bolt and chain and opened the door.

"Casey."

Matt Casey stood in the doorway, looking like death had warmed over. His whole appearance was disheveled and the expression on his face was almost dazed, his mouth hung open as he seemed to be struggling to catch his breath. Maybe it shouldn't be surprising. Both Matt and Gabby Dawson had been absent during the last shift on 51, Boden had told everybody in the briefing room that they had contracted swine flu and might be out of commission for the next couple weeks, understandably everybody had kept their distance from the married couple until further notice, they couldn't afford all of 2nd Watch coming down with it. It especially had to have been a real blow for Gabby since a couple months ago she decided she wanted to return to her previous position as a firefighter. Officially she was still a paramedic but she'd been out of the game as a smoke eater for a while so the guys had been helping her run drills to get back in the swing of things and she'd been training nonstop on shift, at least until this flu attack.

"Are you okay? What happened?" Kelly asked, glancing down and his attention being drawn to the bloody knuckles on both of Casey's hands.

"Can I come in? Please?" Matt asked in a mostly deadpan tone, but underneath that Severide could detect the hint of desperation.

Kelly had no idea what was going on, but he was concerned, but he didn't let it show.

"Yeah, sure...come on in. Are you okay?"

Casey staggered into the room, looking almost like a zombie. He looked around the apartment and instead of answering Kelly's question, he asked, "Can I get a beer?"

Kelly nodded, "Sure, I'll get us both one, sit down."

He traipsed over to the fridge and took out two bottles and headed back to the couch where Casey had already collapsed on it and sat crookedly as his eyes gazed towards the floor.

"You okay, Matt?" Kelly asked.

Casey's reflexes were slow but he finally took the offered beer, his eyes stayed focused on something ahead, and just murmured a half coherent, "Thanks."

"Matt?" Kelly sat down in a chair by the couch and asked him, "What's going on?"

Casey finally moved his eyes to look towards him. First he said nothing, then after several seconds he asked with much difficulty, "Can we...can we just sit here...and not talk, for a while?"

Now Severide was _really_ worried. He wanted nothing more than to find out what was going on and try to help Casey, if he could, but he kept his cool and merely nodded and answered, "Yeah, sure, we can do that."

Matt slowly nodded and replied, "Thank you."

* * *

One beer became two, became three, and became the start of another six pack, and the time became an hour later, then an hour and a half, somewhere before the two hour mark, Casey finally spoke, but what he said wasn't anything that Severide was expecting.

"You're my best friend, Kelly...we don't always agree on everything, but you've never lied to me."

Kelly felt his brow furrowing as he tried to make sense of that statement. He didn't have any idea what it meant, or where the conversation was going to go from there.

"Matt, _what's_ wrong?" he tried again.

Casey took another swig of his beer and waited for it to settle before he spoke again.

"I had to take Gabby to the hospital the day we missed shift."

"What? Is she okay?" Kelly asked.

Matt wouldn't directly answer that question. Instead he talked around the question.

"She'd been feeling bad the last few days and she insisted it was nothing, probably just the flu...she couldn't stop throwing up, she had a fever...but she insisted she was fine, and it would pass, and not to worry about it. She's my wife, we all get sick but I hate seeing her like this, I want to know what's wrong. She said it was nothing. Like an idiot, I believed her...or rather, I let her talk me out of taking her to the doctor...she said it'd pass, I waited for it to pass. But she wasn't getting better, if anything she was getting worse, and she still didn't want to go. I didn't get it, but I respected her wishes...then that morning...I heard her in the bathroom...she was throwing up again...then she was screaming..."

He still felt the ice running through his veins at the memory of those horrified screams, that was when he _knew_ something terrible had happened. It was still dark out and their alarm wasn't set to go off for another 40 minutes, Casey had been going in and out of sleep listening to Gabby being sick. She'd gotten very defensive when he went to the bathroom to try and help her when she threw up, so he'd decided to give her her space and if she asked for him, then he'd go in. As soon as he heard that blood curdling scream he threw the covers back, jumped out of bed and hit the ground running.

_"Gabby? What's wrong? Gabby?"_

The door was open ajar, the lights were on, he threw the door open and skidded in and came to a sudden stop.

Gabby was curled on the floor in a ball, both arms wrapped tight around her stomach. The rim of the toilet, the floor and her clothes were covered in a green liquid vomit, and Gabby's hands had blood on them, so did part of the floor, so did her legs, trailing up her pajamas pants, the crotch of her pajamas were coated in dark red.

_"Matt!" she weakly cried, "Matt help me!"_

* * *

The events that followed were so surreal at the time, and even now looking back, it hadn't seemed real at all, almost like a nightmare. He wasn't even sure if he was frozen stiff or running through the apartment but it seemed as if his feet were glued to the floor. He couldn't even think what the possibilities were, this wasn't some call they were on where he could disassociate from the victim and keep himself in check, this was his wife and something was seriously wrong and he didn't know what and he was terrified what the answer might be. He vaguely remembered grabbing his phone and calling 911 and pleading with the dispatcher to get the paramedics en route as quick as possible. He dropped on his knees beside Gabby and frantically tried to reassure her that everything was going to be alright, to just stay calm and keep her focus on him.

It seemed like forever until he'd heard the sirens approaching, and he couldn't stand the thought of leaving Gabby alone even for a second, but he had to get the door unlocked so they could get in. He forced himself to his feet and promised her he would be right back, he ran to the front door, undid the locks, and ran down the stoop to the ambulance that was pulling up. He was panicked as he spoke to the paramedics though he tried to stay calm enough to give them all the details he could, though the truth was he really didn't know anything. It was easy for them, _they_ could disassociate from what was going on because it wasn't their wife, it wasn't anybody they knew, just another patient, just one of the dozens of patients they had in any given shift. Even though he knew this, he felt slighted by the PIC's detached and almost callus attitude as he told Casey that they would take it from there and to stay out of their way so they could work. He did stay back so they could work but stayed close enough to answer their questions and that Gabby could see him and know she wasn't alone. In Casey's mind it was an eternity before they loaded her on the gurney and wheeled her out to the ambulance, but in reality it had scarcely been five minutes.

"Let's get her to Med," one of the paramedics said as they loaded her in.

Gabby tried to sit up on the gurney and was flailing about trying to protest, the paramedics restrained her. Casey said he was coming with them but the PIC had advised against it and suggested Casey get dressed and get somebody to drive him since based on his current state he was in no condition to do it himself. Casey watched the ambulance speed off with the sirens blaring and the lights flashing and once again he felt like he was stuck in place. He finally had to force himself to take a step, then another, then he ran back up the stairs and into the apartment. He moved haphazardly from room to room, throwing on a change of clothes, getting his phone, his wallet, his keys, he had to call the others, he had to let the know what was going on.

He moved past the bathroom and saw the blood on the floor and he felt paralyzed. His just stood there, staring at his wife's blood on the tiled floor for he didn't know how long. He couldn't let anybody see that, he couldn't bring Gabby home to that. He absently felt for his pocket and took out his phone and called Maggie at Med. He told her that Gabby would be brought in soon and please keep him updated, he would be there as soon as he could. He didn't give her any details and she seemed to know enough not to ask, she promised she would let him know when they knew something. He hung up, and had to force himself to move to the hall closet and get the mop and a bucket and a bottle of disinfectant cleaner. He thoroughly cleaned up the blood and the vomit, scrubbed the floor, cleaned the toilet, he didn't know how much time had passed, everything just seemed at a standstill. By the time he was finished there was no remainder of what had taken place less than an hour ago. Casey rinsed out the mop and bucket one more time and washed his hands, and his phone rang. It was Maggie, before Casey had too long to dwell on the reasons why she would be calling, she told him that the paramedics had hit a traffic jam on the way to Med, had doubled around and taken Gabby to Lakeshore, and she was there now. He thanked her for letting him know, and got ready to head there. Anything could be happening, and he needed to be there for Gabby, he needed to be there when the doctor came out with whatever news he had. He stumbled through the apartment, out the door, got in his truck and very shakily drove himself to the hospital, and then parked himself in a chair and waited, dreading every single second that passed what he might find out when the doctor came to speak to him.

* * *

"Gabby was pregnant," Casey said distantly.

Kelly leaned back in his chair and slowly inhaled as he took in what that meant. "She lost the baby."

Casey closed his mouth so suddenly that his teeth clicked together, he firmly held his jaws in place and shook his head.

"No."

"What?"

Casey looked straight ahead at the wall.

"What do you mean, Casey?" Kelly asked.

Finally, Matt answered firmly, "Gabby didn't _lose_ anything."

Kelly looked at him and shook his head. "I don't understand."

Casey spelled it out for him. "Gabby _was_ pregnant, _before_ she got sick."

Kelly's eyes widened.

"You mean-"

"I'm sure the doctors violated some ethics, but since they thought Gabby was dying, and I was the only one who might be able to answer their questions, they asked when she'd had the procedure done. I stood there with a dumb look on my face. 'Procedure? What procedure?' Then they realized I didn't know, but it was too late then."

There was pained pauses between each sentence, but now that Matt had opened Pandora's box and told Severide the truth, he had to push forward, no matter how hard it was.

"I kept thinking...they have to be wrong, it has to be some kind of mistake, they've got her mixed up with another patient. This can't be happening, not to Gabby, not to us."

Kelly watched his best friend struggle to continue, and he suffered in silence alongside him, watching the pain unfold with every word that passed.

"They found..." Casey looked to the floor and helplessly ran his hands over the sides of his head, "Oh God...they found an...arm...that had been left in...they said this was not a hospital job, and whoever it was...might have been licensed, might have a legal clinic...but there was nothing competent about the job that had been done. And they said...they think they know whose work it was...Gabby...and Brett...were bringing women in regularly, with similar results...for the past few weeks...sometimes...most of the baby would still be in them a week after the procedure...they had blood clots in their lungs, their hearts...abscesses the size of lemons...a lot of them were rushed to the hospital mid-procedure because they were bleeding out. I'm hearing all this, and I can't reconcile it with what's going on. Gabby was there and saw firsthand what was happening to these women, she would _never_ put herself in the same position...it had to be a mistake, there had to be a logical answer. I asked the doctors, maybe it was a miscarriage...isn't it possible that...not everything comes out during a miscarriage?"

Kelly shrugged. "It's possible I guess, I don't know."

Casey grimly shook his head. "The doctor said...miscarriages only happen up to 18 weeks...it was his estimation she was further along than that."

"What?" Kelly blinked. "That's not possible."

"I know, that's what I said, that's what I kept trying to explain to everyone, that's why I said it had to be a mistake and they got her mixed up with someone else," Matt told him.

Kelly thought back to the last time he'd seen Gabby. Sure she hadn't been wearing anything form fitting, but there was no way she was pregnant, let alone over four months along.

"You would've known if she was pregnant," he told Casey.

"I know..." Casey remembered how four times in five months, they'd had to put their nightly bedroom activities on hold for the better part of a week, and three of those five times, Gabby had gotten her period early and they'd woken up in the middle of the night to find the sheets needed to be changed, doused in peroxide and scrubbed with soap and hot water before being put in the wash so the blood wouldn't set in.

"The doctor explained..." Casey struggled to keep talking, "it's not uncommon for women to keep getting their periods while they're pregnant...and it's not common but also not rare that some women will be several months along and just barely show...said a lot of them think they're getting an early term abortion and it's actually second trimester or even third...like a woman can look like she's only two months along, and she's already at seven...it was his educated guess that Gabby was at least five months along."

"Oh my God," Kelly barely choked out in a shocked whisper.

"I...'ve seen a lot of people who leave their kid or their spouse at the hospital and storm out on them when they get bad news...I couldn't do that...I told the doctor to do everything he had to to save Gabby's life...and I stayed...just kept thinking when she recovers she can explain this, they're wrong, she'll prove they are...I wanted so desperately to believe that..."

Kelly didn't know what to do. He could visibly see Casey starting to break down and he wanted to put his arms around his friend and hug him, wanted to tell him that he didn't need to say anymore, but it was obvious that he _needed_ somebody to tell all this to, and right now Kelly was the only _somebody_ that Matt had.

"They gave her blood, and fluids, and some high grade antibiotics to knock the infection out...and they started working pretty quickly...by the second day they started to talk about she could go home soon...so I went home to get a change of clothes for her, and I found her phone...and I started wondering."

The silence that followed hung thickly in the air, Kelly was on the edge of his seat dreading to hear what happened next but he didn't dare say so.

"A couple weeks back Gabby said she wanted to get some new furniture. One day last week when we had the day off, she said she took some money out of our checking account and was going to be gone all day shopping...I didn't question it, I told her to have a good time. I was off on a construction job all day, I didn't get home until 6, she was already back, and she said she hadn't found anything she wanted and she'd get the money put back in the account. I said it was no big deal, I trusted her...she never told me how much she took out of the bank. I checked the transactions on her phone...she took out $2,700 the day before she went, and it was never put back." He turned his head and looked at Kelly almost blankly. "$2,700 to kill our child, _our_ child."

"God, Casey, I'm so sorry," Severide wasn't sure what else to say.

"I didn't want to do anything that could jeopardize her recovery, so I just told her everything was going to be alright and she would be fine and we could go home soon...by the third day the doctors said she was recovered enough she could go home if she kept taking antibiotics, so they gave her a prescription for some high dose pills...I got her out of the hospital, we stopped by the pharmacy, we went home...and she acted like she didn't even remember doing it, there was never any question in her mind that I knew anything that had happened."

"So what'd you do?" Kelly asked.

"I waited until we got home, and things settled down...and I asked her what really happened...she didn't get what I meant...then she saw the look on my face, and she _knew_."

He could still hear their conversation all too well.

* * *

"Matt, don't get excited, it's not as bad as you think," Gabby said.

"Not as bad as- you were pregnant, Gabby! And you didn't even tell me?"

"I didn't know myself, not until a couple weeks ago, I had no idea I was pregnant until then."

"And _why_ didn't you tell me _then_, when you found out?" he demanded to know.

"Because I didn't want you to get upset like you are now," she answered.

"Upset that you were pregnant?"

"I couldn't keep it, Matt," she said.

"What?"

"Look, this just wasn't a good time for us to be starting a family again," she told him.

Casey shook his head. "What-wha-what the hell does that even mean? _Any_ time is a good time for us to start a family."

"No it's not, firefighting is dangerous work and I can't do that while I'm pregnant," she said.

"The last time you were pregnant you transferred to arson."

"But I don't want to do that again, Matt, I belong on Truck and I'm busting my ass to prove that and I'm going to stay there this time, I deserve to be a firefighter, I passed the exam, I proved myself, I showed _everybody_ at 51 when they said a woman couldn't do it!"

"Oh please," Matt rolled his eyes and his neck.

"This is _my_ life, Matt, it was _my_ decision to make, not yours," she told him.

Casey stopped in his tracks, and the room was so quiet he could've heard a pin drop. He felt his eyes bulge at her statement.

"What about _our_ decision as a married couple? Does that mean anything to you?" Casey asked.

"You'll never have to carry or have the baby, you'll never have to know what it's like, no," Gabby shook her head, "you don't get to have a say in this."

Casey felt his blood boiling at her answer and he wasn't sure what he was going to do next but whatever it was he was sure he wouldn't be able to stop himself, he turned and stepped away from her.

"What about all our plans, Gabby?" he asked as he turned around to face her again once he'd put 10 feet between them. "We wanted to have kids, we wanted to start trying again."

"And we still can, later," she told him.

Casey tipped his head back and snapped it down again with an outraged expression on his face. "Oh later, when you decide you're tired of being a firefighter and want to switch to something else? When's that going to be, Gabby? What's it going to be next time?"

"Will you stop trying to control my life?" she snapped at him. "You can't tell me what to do."

"Gabby! If you're a firefighter you don't get to hop around from job to job to job every few months because you get tired of it or you think you deserve it. First you were a paramedic, then you wanted to go to med school and be a doctor, then you wanted to be a fireman, then you transferred to arson, then you became a paramedic again-"

"And you know all the reasons I had for changing every single time, Matt Casey," she said to him. "Don't make this out like I'm some flighty moron who doesn't know what she wants to do with her life."

"Well _do_ you?" Matt all but screamed at her. He wasn't even sure why, but he found himself mocking her, "'I want to be PIC', 'I want to be a doctor', 'I want to own a bar', 'I want to be a fireman', 'I want us to adopt this kid and be a family right now', 'I want to be a single foster mom_', _'I want to be an alderman's wife!' _Nothing_ is ever good enough for you, Gabby, in a few months you'll decide you want to do something else and drop everything else until you get it."

The outrage was clear in her eyes as she accused him, "And you think that's why I had the abortion, because I can't make up my mind?"

"You _killed _our_ baby_ for a job!" Casey coldly recounted.

"This is more than a job, Matt, this is my whole career on the line. If you think I want to be stuck as a paramedic for the rest of my life, why don't _you_ do it?" she got in his face. "Huh? You think after a while you might get tired of responding to diabetics 50 times because they won't take their insulin and doing wellness checks on people whose kids live 20 minutes away and don't ever see them, and getting puked on by junkies who overdose every other week and we're supposed to care when they don't even care enough about themselves to get help? All the while everyone else at 51 gets to speed off to car crashes, fires, building collapses and save the day and be the big heroes?"

"Oh my God," Casey ran his hands over his face, "You are unbelievable."

"This is why I didn't tell you," Gabby said. "All you're doing is getting bent out of shape over something that doesn't even matter."

"Doesn't even ma-" Casey's mind went completely blank for a second. Just as mind blowing to him was the fact that Gabby didn't even seem to remember, or care, that she had nearly died because of what she'd done. It was like that whole part of it didn't even register with her. "Gabby! You were pregnant, it was our baby and you killed it! And you didn't even have the guts to tell me you were pregnant before you did it!"

"Because I didn't want you trying to stop me," she stood her ground. "This is _not_ the right time to be starting a family with everything that is going on. We can always have another baby later, when we're ready."

"Oh my God, I don't even know you!" Casey thought he was losing his mind. He paced around in a small circle and looked at her again and said with forced restraint, "You don't get it, do you, Gabby? It doesn't matter...it doesn't matter if we have 10 more kids...if we had 20..._nothing_ can ever bring back the one you killed."

"Matt it's not that bad."

"YES IT IS! It's just like those calls we go on where somebody's child gets hit by a bullet in a gang shooting, if they have four kids, if they have a dozen other kids, the rest of them can't replace the one that dies. That void is _always_ going to be in their lives no matter what." He looked her dead in the eyes and wanted to know, so desperately, "_How_ could you do it, Gabby?"

"Look Matt, it wasn't an easy decision to make, okay? But I had to do what's best for me," she insisted.

"What about what's best for _us_?" Matt asked her. "I'm your husband, we're supposed to be partners in everything."

Gabby looked at him and shook her head. "Well, not this...your opinion doesn't count in this. It's my body, it's my life, it was my decision."

"It was _our_ child."

"Get off my back, Matt, you're _just_ my husband, you're not my keeper, I don't have to answer to you," she said bluntly. "I don't owe you any explanation for what I do."

"Oh no? Did you forget everything we went through when you lost the first baby? Do you remember how painful that was?"

"This wasn't anything like that," she insisted, "I had the control over what happened."

"You think that makes it better?" Casey was ready to start tearing his hair out, "See to me that's worse than your miscarriage. That just happened and there wasn't anything that we could've done to change it, that was hard as hell I was able to accept it. We see it all the time on the job, people who despite our best efforts still die and in the end there wasn't anything we could do, that's entirely different from the people we're able to save. You _intentionally_ lied to me about it and willingly paid somebody to dismember our baby! And you think that's _better_?"

Matt thought he was going to fall flat on the floor, the room felt like it was spinning, he felt like the ground was moving underneath him. His head felt like it was going to explode. He turned and took a few steps, hoping to shake off the feeling, but he felt like he was making his way down a wobbly set of stairs. Nothing made sense anymore.

"How long?" he asked. "How far along were you?"

She didn't answer.

He turned and looked at her. "_How long_, Gabby?"

She tensed at his words, in a smaller tone she answered, "20 weeks."

Casey pulled at his hair and covered his face with his hands as he paced around in small circles again. He suddenly stopped, and looked at her.

"What was it, Gabby?"

She didn't answer. Instead he saw her slowly move her foot and step back. His eyes felt ready to pop out of his head as he crossed over to her in two steps, and got in her face.

"What-was-it?"

* * *

"She wouldn't answer me," Casey told Severide. "They can determine the baby's gender at 18 weeks...I just knew there was no way she didn't find out when she went to the doctor."

Kelly stayed in his chair and watched Casey, as he'd been watching as Casey unraveled this whole mess he'd found himself in. He hadn't spoken during that time, it wasn't his place, he just sat there and offered his company, and let Casey confess to everything that had been weighing on him.

"I wanted her to tell me what it was...she owed me that much," Casey said.

He dropped his nearly empty bottle of beer and raised his hands to his face as he finally broke down crying. Kelly saw again the bloody knuckles on both of his hands.

"God help me...I didn't mean to hit her," he tearfully confessed to his best friend. "I just wanted her to tell me what it was...I don't even remember doing it...just the sound it made when I did...and her screaming...and she kept screaming...until she finally told me."

Kelly still wasn't sure it was safe to talk, but he felt he had to say something.

"What was it?"

Casey lowered his hands, and tried to compose himself, and turned and looked at Kelly, eyes wide eyes full of tears.

"A girl."

Kelly closed his eyes and grimaced at the answer.

"A little girl," he said as the sobs started making their way through the back of his throat and exiting through his mouth. "A little girl..." His head dropped to his chest and his whole body shook.

Kelly got up from his chair, moved over to the couch and put his arms around Casey and hugged him tight, his own heart breaking for his best friend after hearing this whole revelation, his eyes burnt with tears he quickly felt rushing down his face.

"I'm sorry, Matt," he said. There was nothing else to say. There was nothing that could ever make this right. "I'm so sorry."

Casey's body wracked with sobs as he weakly latched on to Kelly. After a while, Kelly didn't know how long, Matt pulled back and his voice was just barely strong enough as he tried to explain, "I just, just wanted...to be here...with you, for a while...before..."

"Before?"

Casey raised one of his hands and brushed the back of it over his eyes. "The cops are probably looking for me by now...and they'll probably come here...I wanted you to know my side of it before I go to jail."

Kelly felt like his brain had detached from the conversation, he asked Casey, "What did you do, Matt?"

"When I left," he forced the words out, "she wouldn't stop crying...I hardly even recognized her, she's just...all these bruises...I just left her there...I had to get out before...before..."

Kelly tightened his hold on Casey and patted his back consolingly and told him, "I don't think she's going to call the cops, Matt."

"Why wouldn't she?" he questioned.

"Because...if you go to jail, there's a police report, and everybody at 51 would know that she had her own husband arrested, and everybody is going to want to know why, and I'm pretty sure she knows she won't have a friend at the station house if she tells them what she did that drove you to this."

"I didn't mean to do it," Casey softly cried, "I didn't mean to hurt her."

"I know, I know..."

"I never wanted to hurt her."

"I know, it was just an accident."

"It wasn't an accident," Casey replied, "You don't accidentally beat someone."

"You didn't mean to do it."

"I didn't plan to...but in that moment...I just wanted her to know how bad she'd hurt me...I wanted her to know what it was like."

"That doesn't make you a monster, Casey," Kelly told him, "that makes you human."

"It makes me a batterer."

"Matt, this wasn't because she forgot to cook dinner or went out with another guy..."

"That doesn't make it right," Casey said over his tears.

"Maybe not _right_, but it's definitely understandable," Kelly replied.

_Very_ understandable. Kelly kept tightening his grip on Casey, luckily Matt either didn't notice or didn't care. Right now he wanted to make sure Casey knew he wasn't alone, but the real reason was Severide was convinced if he didn't keep an iron grip on Casey and not let him out of his sight, there wouldn't be anything stopping him from going over to Casey's apartment and killing Gabby with his bare hands himself. What he'd just listened to over the past hour was the _worst_ thing he'd ever heard and after more than 15 years as a firefighter, that was no small feat.

"Oh...God," Casey groaned as he buried his face against Kelly's shoulder, "I want to die."

"Don't say that," Kelly told him.

"I want to be with her."

That broke Kelly's heart all over again and he felt the tears rapidly running down from his eyes now.


	2. Chapter 2

Kelly opened his eyes. A few hours had passed, but it wasn't morning yet. He was half laying across the couch and Casey was passed out, half laying on top of him, Kelly realized the sensation he'd been feeling was his hand running through Matt's short straight blonde hair. He wondered how long he'd been doing it. Either way Casey either wasn't aware of it or didn't mind. Kelly felt rocks in his eyes and used his free hand to remove the hardened sleep crust he was sure had been enlarged by his tears. He could still feel a faint wetness against his cheeks, he didn't even remember when they'd fallen asleep, or when either of them had stopped crying. He looked down at Casey, who had his head pressed against Kelly's chest, and watched Matt's chest rise and fall in time with his breathing, every so often a small sob came out with an exhale.

Kelly felt sick. If he wasn't worried about waking Casey up and getting him started crying again, he'd probably throw up. He couldn't believe what he'd heard tonight, but he also knew that Casey would never lie about something so horrible. He knew Casey, he'd known him for almost 20 years, and he always knew how much Matt wanted to have kids. That had been what tore he and Hallie apart, and Kelly remembered how depressed Casey had been when it happened. Then Gabby losing the first baby, and that about destroyed them both. He just couldn't figure out how she could go through that, and then go and do something like this? It didn't sound like the same person at all, but it had to be.

All of a sudden, a gasping scream escaped from Casey's throat as he opened his eyes and shot up on the couch.

"Whoa, what is it, Casey?" Kelly asked, "What is it?"

Casey looked at Kelly and clung to him and said desperately, "Tell me I'm wrong, tell me she couldn't do it."

"Do what?"

"I just had a horrible thought," Casey said. "Do you think Gabby specifically waited until after she knew the gender of the baby to get the abortion?"

"What?" Kelly asked.

"Do you think she would've done it either way, or do you think knowing it was a girl shaped her decision to get rid of it?" Casey asked.

Kelly could scarcely even comprehend the question. "Why would she do that?"

Casey looked at him. "Maybe...maybe...if she had a girl...Gabby wouldn't be the center of attention anymore...everybody would be fussing over the baby...she'd be competition..."

"Matt-"

"It happens...I knew people like that growing up. We had neighbors that the mothers treated their daughters like trash since they were born, because once they were, everybody stopped noticing the mothers...never the case with the boys, always the girls, everybody focused on how cute they were and what beautiful babies they were, and as they got older what beautiful girls they were, and the mothers were ignored...I'd forgotten all about that...until just now."

Kelly wanted to tell Matt that he didn't think that was the case. Instead, what actually came out was, "I don't know." He'd never thought about it, he'd never had any reason to. He hadn't grown up around people like that, to him it sounded almost too ridiculous to believe. But he guessed anything was possible.

"What time is it?" Casey asked.

Kelly looked for the clock. "3:30."

Casey groaned, and he pushed to get up, "I have to...I have to..." he didn't finish his sentence, he just put space between he and Kelly about as fast as he could and walked to the bathroom.

Kelly also got up to stretch his legs, and he remembered that he was supposed to on shift in four and a half hours. He thought quickly, and he got his phone, and called Firehouse 51.

"Hello? Who is this?" he asked, half awake. "1st Watch? Where's the secretary that works at night? ...What do you mean she quit? Oh, well look, this is Kelly Severide, can you get a message to Boden when he comes in tomorrow morning? Yeah, I'm not going to be able to make it, I've got the flu and I've been sick all night...no I have _not_ been drinking...no I am _not_ hungover...if you don't believe me I can come down there and puke on you if you like...that's what I thought...yeah, just get it to him when he comes in first thing. Okay, thank you."

Well that took care of that, so he bought a little time before he had to explain anything to anybody. He headed towards the bathroom and was waiting outside the door when Casey came out.

"Why'd you tell Boden you two had the swine flu?" he suddenly thought to ask.

Casey looked at him for a moment as if trying to figure out what he was saying, then he glumly answered, "I didn't want everybody coming down there...I thought the doctors were wrong and I didn't want everybody to hear what they were saying and jumping to the wrong conclusions...so I figure stall for time, flu works..."

Kelly nodded. "Understood."

"I'm sorry," Casey suddenly croaked out. "There wasn't anyone else I could tell."

Kelly wanted to tell Matt he didn't have anything to be sorry for, instead he settled for, "Well, I'm glad you did."

Casey's eyes started welling up again and his bottom lip and his chin started quivering and he grabbed on to Kelly and clung to him for a few seconds. It passed and he pulled back and wiped his eyes.

"Since we're up, you want something to eat?" Kelly asked.

Matt shook his head, "If I eat anything I'll throw up."

"Did you eat anything today?"

Casey shook his head.

"That's not going to do, Matt, you'll get sick."

"I don't care."

"I do. You think you'll eat anything in the morning?"

Casey shook his head again.

"Then let's get something now and we can sleep tomorrow."

"Don't you have to be at work in the morning?" Casey asked.

"I called Boden and told him I'm sick...that damn flu seems to be going around."

Casey's eyes shut and his face scrunched up in a sad smile of amusement. "Thank you."

"You're my best friend, I'm not letting you out of my sight," Kelly told him.

"I'm not hungry."

"You need something." Kelly went over to the fridge, grabbed something, and set a bottle of strawberry Ensure on the table. "If you won't eat anything, then drink this."

Casey ogled the bottle and asked Kelly, "What're you doing with this stuff? Isn't that just for old people who can't eat?"

Severide answered, "I down a couple of them when I don't have time to eat."

Casey shrugged in defeat and unscrewed the lid. Kelly got a bottle for himself and drank it as he watched Casey barely sipping his.

"Thanks," he said as he put the bottle down, "but I really can't."

"You want to go back to bed?"

Casey shrugged.

"You want to watch TV?" Kelly asked.

"I don't know...I don't want to do anything."

"You want to just have it on for background noise?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Come on," Kelly said, "let's see if we can find one of those all night marathons of 'Married with Children'."

"What is your obsession with that show?" Casey asked.

Kelly laughed as he answered, "Peg."

Casey snorted and rolled his eyes as he followed Kelly back to the living room. They sat down on the couch and Kelly turned on the TV and flipped through the channels, after about 50 of them he came across a rerun of the 3 Stooges, and they settled on that. After a few minutes, Kelly found himself laughing at the old black and white shorts, though he tried to restrain himself for Casey's sake, but after a while it proved futile, much to his relief a short while later, a small sound came from Casey, and another, and then an actual laugh, and another. They sat through an hour of Stooge shorts and long before it was over, they were both leaning on each other and laughing so hard they couldn't breathe, and tears ran freely down their cheeks, an entirely different experience from the ones that had been trailing down their faces all night.

* * *

Kelly woke up to the sun pouring in the windows, his neck was stiff, he was cramped, he saw Casey sleeping half on top and half to the side of him, no wonder he was sore. He tried to move under the Truck lieutenant without waking him up to stretch out a little, but he wasn't having much luck. He looked to the clock and saw it was 8:30. Well, he guessed if he had to wake Casey up, this would be as good of a time as any. He got one hand out from under Casey's weight and softly stroked over the top of his head.

"Matt...Matt..."

He saw Casey's eyes flutter briefly, then saw them open wider, and stay open.

"Hmm?"

"Sorry, buddy, I need you to move so I can get up," he half whispered.

Casey yawned and stretched his arms high over his head and his legs straight out, then got out a groggy, "Sorry," and got off of Kelly.

Severide sat up and looked at Casey, he looked somewhat better than last night, but all the pain and the misery was still evident in his face.

"How're you doing, buddy?" he asked.

Casey just shook his head.

"I woke up a couple times, and I thought it was a dream...I wanted it to be a nightmare, anything for it not to be real."

Kelly glumly nodded in understanding. He looked down and saw Casey's knuckles looked worse today.

"Why don't you go take a shower and..." he grabbed Casey's hand and held it up to show the wounds in plain daylight, "we'll get these doctored up when you get out? That okay?"

Casey was slow to answer but he finally nodded.

"I'll start on breakfast," Kelly said.

"I'm not hungry."

"You need to eat."

"I need my life to be back the way it was," Casey moaned as he got to his feet and headed for the bathroom, "when I had a wife who loved me and I _knew who she was_."

* * *

"What's that?" Casey asked as he entered the kitchen and saw Severide pouring something into two bowls on the table.

Kelly put the saucepan back on the stove and answered, "Cheerios in tomato soup."

"That's disgusting," Casey said.

"Nah, it's pretty good," he replied, "My mom got it out of a quick and easy cookbook."

"Oh gee _that's_ reassuring," Casey murmured.

"Don't knock it till you tried it," Kelly told him.

Reluctantly, Casey sat down at the table, he knew Kelly wouldn't get off his back until he humored the Squad lieutenant. Kelly sat down across from him and started eating his right away. Casey looked at the concoction and reluctantly tried a mouthful.

He didn't respond right away but he could see Kelly watching, waiting to see what he did. He swallowed it and concluded, "Not _bad_." In fact he found himself already scooping up another serving.

"It was the only way my mom could get me to eat them as a kid," Kelly told him.

Casey didn't say anything but he steadily continued to eat. After a minute Kelly spoke up, "Look, I've been thinking...I think you should stay with me for a while."

Matt looked at him uncertainly and didn't speak for a minute.

"I know it's not as spacious as your place, but I can take the couch and you can take the bedroom."

"I don't want to do that, Kelly. I don't want to put you out."

"You're not. The alternative is we could both take the bed, I know it's not ideal but it wouldn't be as crammed as the couch last night."

"I don't know what to do," Casey said. "How can I go back there? How can I face her?"

"I can go and get your stuff," Kelly offered.

"This isn't your fight, Kelly."

"It is now."

"Kelly, please...I don't want anyone else finding out about this."

"They won't hear a word of it from me, I promise you," Severide told him.

Casey pushed his bowl away and absently cupped his hands together in front of his face. "I don't know what came over me last night...I never thought I could...I never thought Gabby would ever..."

"This is on her, she put you in this position, it's her fault what you did," Kelly told him.

Casey shook his head. "That's blaming the victim."

"The only victim here is _you_."

"No, the victim is my dau-" Casey cut the word off quickly, not able to finish.

"I'm sorry," Kelly reached over and gripped his arm sympathetically.

Casey tilted his head down and placed his hands on the sides of his head. "I don't know what I'm doing anymore, Kelly."

Severide moved his chair over beside Casey and pulled his best friend into a hug and told him, "I know there's nothing I can say to make you feel better, I'm sorry, but we're gonna get through this." He tried again, "Stay here with me."

This time he felt Casey's nod, and he felt like he'd actually done something right.

* * *

"Matt?"

The apartment was silent as a tomb, the voice was the only thing he'd heard, it sounded small, distant. Gabby's car had been gone when he pulled up, that's why he'd made the decision to go in and start packing. He didn't know where she'd been, but she was back now. As he bent over the bed packing a bag, Gabby walked in the bedroom door and slowly walked over to him.

"Matt, we need to talk."

"Nothing to talk about," Casey said as he threw a pile of clothes into the bag and zipped it shut. He kept his back to her and wouldn't look at her. "You made it perfectly clear that although I'm your husband, I don't count for anything around here."

"That's not true," she said, "You mean a lot to me."

"Oh? As what?" he turned around and saw her. Some of the swelling was gone but the bruises still covered every part of her body not covered by her clothes.

Casey had worried that seeing the extent of the damage he'd done would make him change his mind, but instead he was standing his ground.

"What do you need me for, Gabby? A lap dog? Some kind of trophy you get to show off 'Look what I got'? A yes-man to blindly go along with every half cocked plan you get? Somebody to look good on your arm? Somebody you can manipulate into running for office because of what power it's going to give _you_? A whore that you can goad into sex any time you say 'jump'?" He shook his head. "Those days are over."

"Matt, let me explain-"

"You already did that, 'Me, me, me, my, my, my', funny, I thought when we said 'I do', that it became 'us'. Apparently I was wrong," he said as he picked up another bag and shoved another pile of clothes into it.

"No...no, you can't leave, you can't just walk out like this," Gabby said as she grabbed the suitcase.

Casey pulled it out from under her and told her, "You're the one that's leaving, Gabby."

Her eyes doubled in size in shock. "What?"

He picked up the suitcases and revealed they were hers. "This is your stuff, _you're_ getting out..._out_!" He walked over to the window, threw it open and chucked Gabby's luggage out onto the lawn. "And if you don't get out of here, you're going to be _next_ out the window."

Gabby started to step back, a look of terror on her face. "Matt, you don't mean that!"

"Oh don't I?" he asked as he forced her out of the bedroom and over towards the door. "You see, Gabby, you were really a great teacher, you taught me to get what I want no matter who else has to get hurt. Now get out...get out of here you bitch, before I knock you down and kick you out the door!"

Gabby was pressed flat against the door, shrinking back in fear. "Matt-"

"OUT!"

She screamed and pulled the door open and ran out.

Casey pressed his hands against his forehead and ran them over his hair as he tried to process everything. He walked over to a chair and sat down in it, and just waited, and listened to the silence of the apartment.

Some time later, he didn't know how long, but it seemed to him that it had gotten darker through the windows, the door opened and Kelly stepped in.

"I saw the fireworks when she came running out...you okay?"

Casey leaned so far over in the chair his head was about between his knees. He kept his gaze to the floor and just nodded without a word.

"I'm proud of you, Casey," Severide told him. "You ready to go?"

He sighed, and slowly nodded, and straightened his body out and got to his feet.

"Got your stuff?" Kelly asked.

Casey nodded again and nodded his head toward the couch where _his_ bags were already packed. Kelly went over and grabbed a couple and turned towards Matt.

"You did the right thing, Matt. You stood your ground, and nobody can take that away from you."

"It wasn't enough," he replied. He looked at Kelly and shook his head, "I couldn't save my child from her own mother." He looked around the room and commented, "I used to love this apartment...it was my home, it's just a grave now."

Kelly gripped his wrist to get his attention, and to let him know he wasn't alone, and told him, "Come on, let's go."

* * *

The first few days spent at Kelly's apartment were a rough adjustment for both men, but they got through it with seemingly little trouble. About a week into his stay, Casey approached Kelly one night before they got ready for bed, and asked for his help with something. Severide heard him out, and agreed to help any way he could. Casey told him what he wanted to do, and between the two of them they worked out the details.

The next day they were in Severide's Mustang driving miles away from the city, and half of the trip was spent in total silence, only every so often did either of them say anything, and no attempt at conversation lasted very long.

"I really appreciate you helping me with this, Kelly," Casey said as they neared the destination.

"It's the least I can do," he replied.

"I don't think I could go through this alone."

"Here we are," Kelly said a few minutes later, "Just tell me where to stop."

Casey looked out the window, and watched, and told Kelly where to turn, and finally told him, "Here, stop here."

Severide stepped on the brakes and the car stopped. The two men got out, took what they needed out of the backseat, and walked through the rows of tombstones, until they came to a joint stone for both of Casey's parents.

"They got this shortly after they were married," he explained, "I guess back then they really though they'd be together forever..."

Casey had confided in Severide his intention to have a graveside memorial for the baby at what was the closest thing to his 'family plot'. He'd told Kelly it ate him up inside that there was no grave and no service for his daughter, and furthermore not having a body to even put in the grave. That was what really killed him, having no idea what had happened to her remains when it was all over. Severide had pointed out that people had graves all the time for people whose bodies could never be laid to rest, that it wasn't actually about a final resting place, rather that it was a chance for the families to exorcise their grief through their actions _in_ laying their loved ones to rest.

Memorial Day was coming up, so they'd gone to the store and Casey picked out a white cross decorated with pink flowers, and a plastic wreath of flowers with a ribbon that said 'Daughter'. He stood beside his parents' grave for a minute, then got down on one knee and shoved the legs of the metal stake for the wreath in through the hard dirt. Then he took the cross and had to use twice as much force to break the ground to get it planted. Kelly handed him a bouquet of cut roses they'd picked out from a florist, he propped them up against the cross. The next thing Casey placed at the grave was a teddy bear he'd gotten from a toy store. The last piece to the memorial was a tall decorated candle in a glass holder. It wasn't that Matt had any religious association with them, he just thought it was appropriate to have at the grave site to sort of make it official.

Casey stood back up and stood beside Kelly and looked at the small shrine. He'd been up half the night planning something he wanted to say while they were there, a small speech to the daughter he would never get to know, but no words came, his chest was tight, his throat was swollen with tears, his eyes were quickly filling up with them, which spilled over even quicker, and as soon as he opened his mouth to try and say anything, his knees buckled under him and he collapsed. The only thing keeping him on his feet was Kelly grabbing him at the last second before he fell against the ground. As Kelly pulled him back up, Casey fell against him openly sobbing, words were not a possibility, just breathing was quickly becoming a challenge for him. Severide tightly hugged Matt and found himself breaking down crying with him. The two friends held tightly to each other and neither could move for what felt like the longest time.

Neither knew how long they'd been there, when Casey finally pulled away, both still had tears running down their faces, but they were both better composed now. Kelly leaned over and lightly kissed Matt on the forehead and told him, "Let's go."

Casey was still breathing shakily as he looked at Kelly and nodded. Severide reached over and clapped a hand on his back as they turned around and headed back to the car.


	3. Chapter 3

After the service, Casey fell into a depression so deep that once they got back to Kelly's apartment, he went straight to bed and stayed there for the better part of the week. He wouldn't talk to Kelly, he wouldn't come out to the living room and socialize, he wouldn't bathe, he hardly ate, his days and nights were largely spent sleeping or crying. Kelly didn't know what to do, he'd considered calling Dr. Charles and asking him for some advice but he couldn't do that without revealing what had happened and he'd promised Casey he wouldn't tell anyone about the baby. He knew Matt was struggling with something he himself could never fully understand, so he backed off and gave Matt his space to grieve, for a while.

After the first couple nights he started sleeping in the bed with Casey, Matt didn't respond to this whatsoever so Kelly took it as he didn't mind. During the night Kelly woke up to the sound of Casey softly sobbing in his sleep on the other side of the bed. Sometimes he left him alone, other times he reached over and rolled Casey over towards him and held him in his arms the rest of the night. One afternoon he looked in the bedroom and saw Casey lying in the bed, awake and just staring at the wall. Kelly showed himself in and without a word, slipped in on the other side of the bed. If it wasn't for Casey's steady breathing and occasional blinking, Kelly would've sworn he was catatonic. He leaned over and listened to Casey's breathing, and convinced that he was still in there somewhere, he reached up and kissed Matt on the forehead and stroked over the crown of his head.

"Watchu thinking about, Casey?" he asked, not sure if he'd get any answer.

Matt surprised him by answering, "What she'd look like."

Kelly was dumbstruck by that response. After a minute he said to Matt, "She'd be beautiful."

He saw Casey's eyes welling up with tears again, and he started crying again.

"Matt," Kelly grabbed him and pulled him up into a sitting position on the bed, "You can't keep torturing yourself like this."

"Four months...four more months, Kelly, and I would've been a father...I would've had a baby girl...we could've finally had _our_ family that we always wanted, and that nobody could take away from us...but Gabby took _all_ of it away from us. She took my own baby from me, and she didn't even have the guts to tell me there was one."

"I know, and I'm sorry," Kelly told him. "But you can't keep this up...your daughter would not have wanted you to suffer like this."

Casey was inconsolable and couldn't even speak. Kelly held him in his arms and sympathetically rubbed his back in small circles and let Matt wear himself out. When it finally happened, both men, emotionally exhausted, fell asleep.

* * *

When Kelly woke up the position of the sun had changed, and he woke up with his face pressed against Casey's shoulder blades. He pushed up on his knees and looked at the clock and saw it was 6:30 in the morning, they'd both slept for close to 12 hours. He looked over at the blonde man laid on his side, still in a deep sleep. Kelly wasn't exactly thrilled about what he was going to do next, but he knew what he had to do.

"Come on, Casey, time to get up," he said as he put his hands on Casey's back and shook him.

Casey moaned something but otherwise didn't respond. Kelly tried again, he threw back the covers, got up, went to the window and pulled the blind clear up.

He looked back at the man laying in the bed and bellowed in an obnoxiously cheerful tone, "Come on, Matt, it's the start of another beautiful day, time to rejoin the living!"

Casey grimaced and turned on his other side and pulled the covers up over his head. Kelly marched over to the bed, threw the covers back, grabbed the bottom of Matt's T-shirt and started jerking it up to pull it off over his head.

"What the hell are you doing?" Casey asked.

With some difficulty, Kelly got it off and tossed it across the room as he answered, "Helping you, let's go." As Casey tried to move away from him, Kelly grabbed him around the waist, adjusted his hold and lifted Casey off the bed.

"Are you nuts? Put me down!" Casey struggled to break loose.

"Oh all in due time, Matt, all in due time," Kelly said with a mischievous smirk as he carried Casey to the bathroom.

* * *

Kelly had made it clear he wasn't giving Matt any choice but to do what Severide told him to. He stood beside Casey at the bathroom sink and watched their reflections as Casey begrudgingly shaved and brushed his teeth. Then Kelly turned on the taps and filled up the bathtub and he gave Matt a look that said he wasn't getting out of this one either. Casey resented all of it, including the lack of privacy, but he undressed and got in the tub. Once he actually felt the warm water on his skin it was like an open invitation, he sank below the surface and let the water wash over him. He emerged with a small gasp for air and went to work lathering up a washrag with the bar of soap. As he washed his upper body, Severide sat on the edge of the tub, dipped his hands in the water, poured some shampoo in his palm, lathered them up and gently washed Matt's hair. If Casey minded, he didn't give any indication of it. When he was finished, he dipped a plastic cup in the water and poured it over Matt's head and repeated it until the worst of the soap was out, then he used one hand to massage through Casey's scalp and rinse out the rest.

"You feeling better?" Kelly asked when Casey got out of the tub.

"A little," he answered reluctantly.

"It's going to get better, Casey."

"I suppose so...though I'm starting to think you were right."

"About what?"

"About 51 being a cursed house...where else could all this have ever happened?" Matt asked.

"You wouldn't let me leave it at that," Kelly pointed out. "Now you had Boden's ledger to convince me to come back...I'm just going to use my brute strength, we're due on shift tomorrow, and if you don't come willingly I'm going to drag you in. It's still your family, Casey."

"They can't know about this."

"Even if they did you know they'd all have your back on it," Kelly told him.

"They _can't_ know," Casey was adamant.

"They won't, but you know they'd all side with you."

"I don't want _anyone_ siding with me, what's already happened is bad enough, I can't take anymore," he said.

Kelly looked at him and somberly nodded, "I know." He leaned over and hugged Matt, then pulled back and told him, "Come on, I'll get breakfast started. And don't say you're not hungry, you need to eat."

Casey looked at him and said, "Thanks, Kelly...thanks for helping me get through this."

"What's family for?"

* * *

"I don't know if I can do this, Kelly," Casey said as they got out of his car to head up to 51.

"It's going to be fine, Casey."

"What about Gabby?"

"What about her?"

"By now she has to have told them something," Casey said.

"Don't worry about it, come on," Kelly told him.

They headed up to the apparatus floor and everybody was there and welcomed them back. Casey looked around but he didn't see Gabby anywhere, and he couldn't put his finger on it but it seemed to him that everybody was acting just slightly off. He wasn't sure what it meant, and he was scared to ask.

Boden came up, and everybody scattered, leaving only the two lieutenants to face him.

"Welcome back, Casey."

"Uh, thanks, Chief."

"Severide brought us in on the situation with you and Gabby."

Casey turned to Kelly, whose expression didn't reveal anything.

"What'd he say?" Casey asked.

"That Gabby asked you for a divorce...she put in for a transfer her first day back, I suppose it makes sense, staying here with everything so familiar, probably too much for her, I understand you've been staying with Kelly while she got her things together and moved out...it's rough, believe me I've been there."

"All due respect, Chief," Casey said, slowly realizing what was going on, "I don't think you have."

"Fair point, all marriages are different, they all fail for different reasons, sometimes it's not anybody's fault, just can't work out," Boden told him. "I want you to know everybody at 51 is here for you if you need anything."

Casey slowly nodded, "Thanks...thanks, Chief."

"Alright, let's get ready for work."

"Right," Kelly said.

Casey turned and looked at Kelly, who stood behind him with a self assured grin.

"Thanks, Kelly."

"That's what I'm here for."

* * *

8 months later-

Casey staggered through the automatic doors at Chicago Med, covered in blood and carrying a screaming newborn in his arms, looking like he'd just escaped from a war zone.

"Doctor? Doctor Manning!"

Natalie came running up. "What happened?"

"We responded to a call, there was a turf shooting, the mother was shot, one of the paramedics got hit, we delivered the baby in the ambulance...mother died...she begged us to save her baby..."

"Okay, we got it from here," she said as they took the baby away.

Casey was left standing in the middle of the corridor for a minute as he watched them rush the baby to a room. He finally moved his feet and zombie walked to the waiting area and sat down in a chair.

Kelly came through the automatic doors and saw him. "Casey!" The blonde lieutenant looked at him but otherwise didn't move to get up.

"You okay?" Severide had had his hands full helping keep Sylvie stabilized after she got shot in the crossfire, he'd seen Casey leave in the ambulance and that had been the last he'd seen of him until now. The docs had just taken Sylvie to the ER to evaluate her injuries, though she'd stayed conscious and lucid the whole way to Med, and based on her self assessment of her injuries, Kelly gathered that she'd gotten lucky and would probably be released before too long.

"She died," Casey said. "The woman died before we got here."

"I'm sorry, Matt."

"She begged us to save her baby...she said 'I got clean when I found out I was pregnant, I did everything I could so she'd be born healthy, don't let her die'."

Kelly shook his head. "That's rough."

"The last thing she said was 'Call her Violet', then she was gone," Casey said, one stray tear making its way down his cheek. "They worked on her the whole way over, but...she was just gone. She fought like hell to give her baby a fighting chance, and she died before she could even see her."

"I'm sorry," Kelly ignored the blood that spattered Casey's skin and clothes and pulled him into a hug. "You need to get checked out?"

Casey shook his head. "It's not mine."

"Still, wouldn't hurt."

Kelly could see Casey wasn't going to get up of his own volition, so he grabbed Matt's arm, draped it over his shoulders and pulled him to his feet. "Come on, let's find a doctor."

* * *

Casey and Severide stood at the window peering in to the maternity ward. So many babies, all of them fresh in the world and just discovering everything for the first time. Some of them slept, others writhed around in their bassinets and cried. The one that Casey had brought in had just been settled in a bassinet near the window.

"6 pounds 5 ounces, 18 inches long, already half a head full of black hair," Casey said as he intently watched her as she soundlessly kicked her feet and looked around. "Born perfectly healthy."

"She is a beauty," Kelly said. "What's going to happen to her?"

"Dr. Manning said they can't find any family. DCFS is going to come in later and take over. Another product of the system."

"Well most babies get adopted out fairly quickly," Kelly said, "everybody wants babies, older kids are harder, they already have a lifetime of baggage with them."

Casey stared through the window, and suddenly he told Kelly, "I'm going to talk to the DCFS worker to see about adopting her."

Kelly looked at him. "What?"

"I delivered her, Kelly, I brought her into this world...I want a child, I'm financially stable enough to provide for one, I've already been through the process once before with Louie so I have some idea what to expect. She deserves a home where she's wanted and loved, and I can give her that. I'm ready to be a dad."

Kelly pored over his friend's answer, and slowly nodded and said, "Whatever you decide, we'll all be behind you."

"I appreciate that," Casey said.

* * *

"How'd it go?" Kelly asked as Casey returned to the waiting room.

"They're going to arrange for an interview on Monday and see what they think," Casey told him. "She already warned me a good estimate if this _does_ work out is 2-7 months before I could finally adopt her."

"Long wait."

"I'm going to do it," Matt said. "I'll do their interviews, I'll speak to their experts, I'll take all the training necessary, I'm going to do whatever they need me to do to get approved, I'm going to take her home."

"I'm happy for you, Casey."

"The waiting's going to kill me," he confessed. "It was easier with Louie, I was the alderman, all I had to do was call in a favor, get some strings pulled, bam, we take Louie home. I don't have that kind of pull anymore. She'd be half a year old before I finally get her."

"Well you never know," Kelly said optimistically, "this city still has a lot of pull in it. Maybe it can muster some up for a firefighter who is definitely this time going above and beyond the call of duty."

"I wish."

* * *

"You're moving?" Kelly asked after Matt dropped the bombshell on him.

"I've been doing a lot of thinking," Casey answered, "I _could_ raise her in my apartment but the more I think of it, I want her to have a yard to play in, a _house_ to live in...I've been checking, there're a couple nearby that got put on the market recently. Tomorrow I'm going to check them out."

"A house is a lot more to baby-proof, Casey."

"And I do construction for a living off-shift, I think I can handle it."

"Lawn to mow, weeds to pull, leaves to rake..."

"Room to put up a pool, a swing set, anything she could want," Matt replied.

Kelly looked at Matt, and he wanted to laugh. He hadn't seen Casey this excited about anything in years.

"'Violet Casey', have to admit it has a nice ring to it."

Casey glanced down towards the floor, and when he looked at Kelly again, Severide could see his eyes shimmering in the light with tears that suddenly developed. "When she's older I'll tell her about her mother...and her older sister." He did a double take and said to Kelly, "It's not like I've forgotten about her."

"I know, _nobody_ can replace her, and nobody's saying she will," Kelly told him. "Matt, you finally have a chance to be happy and start your own family, you need to take it."

Casey blinked back the tears and managed a small smile as he told Kelly, "39 hours...that's how much training I have to finish before I can actually adopt her...I can't wait."

"If _anybody_ can do it, it'll be you," Kelly said.

* * *

"Alright, listen up everybody," Herrmann got the attention of all the 51 regulars at Molly's that night. "I just got it on good authority that a miracle has taken place, and DCFS has sped up the process for Casey's adoption, and everything's going to be finalized in a month."

All the smoke eaters broke out in a rip roaring applause at the news. Herrmann raised his hands for them to quiet down so he could continue. "Casey is so excited about bringing this little girl home and being a father, but the guy has _no_ idea what he's in for...so we're gonna help him out."

Otis put a boot on the counter and Herrmann explained, "We're gonna fill the boot, then I'm going to hand it over to Cindy, who being the only person here who knows more about babies than I do because like the angel she is she stayed home with them while I was out working, is going to take it and buy all the stuff at the store that Casey's gonna need when he brings his daughter home for the first time."

There was another round of applause from everybody at the bar as everybody took their wallets out to contribute.

"So when're we gonna give it to him, Herrmann?" Cruz asked.

"Funny you should ask that," Christopher replied.

* * *

"I don't know, Kelly," Casey said as they got out of his Mustang and slammed the doors shut.

"Trust me, it'll look a lot better to the social workers if you show up in a car to take her home, and not your truck," Kelly said, "besides, you're gonna be a family man now, so you need to invest in a family car."

"I suppose so, but I didn't like any of the ones we saw today," Matt said as they headed up the sidewalk to his house.

"We'll keep looking, there has to be _something_ out there you like."

"All I ever focused on was practical, my truck is practical for what I do."

"Not anymore," Kelly replied as he followed behind him.

"Between the house payments, the furniture, the appliances, the money for the adoption and everything I need to get ready when I bring her home, I don't-" Casey said as he unlocked the door and headed in.

"SURPRISE!"

Casey jumped back and felt his heart slam against his chest. He looked around and saw a dozen people in his dining room, which had been elaborately decorated with a combination of both normal party decorations and pink 'It's a Girl' decorations. The table was covered with stuff he didn't even have time to process what it was. He looked around and recognized everybody from Truck and Squad, Brett, Herrmann's wife Cindy, Boden and Donna, even Connie was there.

"What's going on?" he demanded to know.

"Well since we didn't really get to do the typical housewarming party when you moved in," Herrmann said, "we thought we'd roll it all together to go with a...I guess you'd call it post-baby shower."

Casey shook his head trying to make some sense of what was going on, and all he could come up with was, "Huh?"

Cindy decided to explain in lieu of her husband trying, "We all wanted to help you get ready to bring Violet home, so we got most of the stuff you're gonna need."

As Casey stepped further into the room he realized that the table was loaded down with baby supplies, and they didn't stop there, he glanced towards the living room and saw more stuff piled up in there.

"What the..."

If Casey was excited about being a new father, everyone else in the room was just as excited to show him what they'd picked out for the baby. He just stood back and looked on in awe at the piles of diapers and wipes, a diaper bag, bottles and the brushes to clean them, a crate of baby formula, baby dishes, baby clothes in three different sizes anticipating the inevitably rapid growth spurts, a car seat, a changing table, a stroller, a highchair, a crib already put together and taking up the center of the living room and sets of bedding for it, a mountain of stuffed animals, a baby tub and bath sponge and collection of baby bath wash, shampoo and lotion, baby powder, baby oil, baby sunscreen, a baby thermometer, an aspirator, a baby monitor, a pile of baby books, a DVD collection of Sesame Street, and a playmat still in its box. Other conventional gifts included a large supply of laundry detergent and laundry soda, a food processor for homemade baby food, and several jars of Vicks vapor rub, which Herrmann quipped would come in handy during diaper changes.

"I don't even know what to say," Casey told them as he looked around just _stunned_ by everything they'd brought. "Thank you...all, so much, you have no idea...how much I appreciate this."

Sylvie pointed to Otis and Cruz and said, "These guys put the crib together, you should've seen it, it only took, what," she turned to them and asked, "Five hours?"

The two of them motioned for her to shut up, that got a good laugh out of everybody else.

"You guys, this is all just...too much, you didn't need to-"

"We _wanted_ to, Matt," Cindy told him. "It's about time somebody around here brought some new life into our extended family."

"And this one was my idea," Herrmann said as he grabbed something off the table, "Something you can pass the time with during those 3 A.M. feedings."

Casey took the package, opened it up and wasn't sure what to make of the DVD collections of The 3 Stooges and the old Looney Tune cartoons.

"Something that the dad and the kids can both enjoy that doesn't threaten to lower the IQ of either," Herrmann explained.

Casey laughed, "That's great, Herrmann, thanks." He looked around at his friends and shook his head, "I'm just...stunned...I wasn't expecting any of this..."

"Well you know what they say, it takes a village to raise a kid," Herrmann told him, "and we're all gonna be here for you when you bring that little girl home."

It was all very overwhelming for Casey and he felt his eyes stinging and tried to blink back the tears that were forming, he didn't want them to see him like this. They really had _no_ idea what all of this meant to him. Almost none of them.

Kelly came up beside Casey and put his arm across Matt's shoulders and told him, "You're going to be a great dad, Casey. And we all know it."


	4. Chapter 4

"Where am I going to put all this stuff?" Casey asked once the party was over and everybody else had gone home.

"Why put it anywhere? You'll be going through most of it soon enough," Kelly answered.

"How did they arrange all this?" Matt wanted to know.

Kelly looked at him with a sly 'cat that swallowed the canary' smirk.

"You planned this?"

"No, I just told the others that they upped the day you're supposed to get her and set the ball in motion. Everybody wanted to do something, everybody wants to help."

"Yeah...not that I'm complaining, but I wonder why they changed their minds?"

"I told you, this city still has some pull in it."

Casey turned his head and looked at him. "What did you do, Kelly?"

"I just made a phone call."

"To who?"

"Somebody who convinced the people at DCFS that this was the best home for Violet and she should be able to come here as soon as possible."

"Who has that kind of pull?" Casey asked.

"The less you know, the better," Kelly told him.

"Kelly-"

"You don't need to spend six months proving you'll be a good parent, we all know you are, and they should know it since you already adopted Louie."

Casey looked at him like he wasn't sure what to think, and finally he said, "I'm not sure you should've done that...but thank you for doing it."

"I love you," Kelly told him. "You're my best friend, I'd do anything for you."

"As you've proven, several times," Casey remarked. "I'm never going to be able to repay anybody for what they've done."

"You don't need to, this is family."

"Yeah...this is family..." Casey looked at him through the corners of his eyes and said, "Tell me something, Kelly...if Gabby had _had_ the baby and we were together...would you be as involved in all of this as you are now?"

There was a brief pause before Kelly answered, "It was obvious that the two of you loved Louie, but it was also obvious you could've used some help. And he was already 3 years old, a baby requires a lot _more_ help. The two of you wouldn't have gone through whatever you went through _alone_. It might not have been as hands on as this...but we'd definitely have been there for you."

Casey nodded. "I appreciate it, thanks."

"Come on," Kelly clapped a hand on his shoulder, "Let's start getting this stuff upstairs and start on the nursery." He moved to grab the crib and looked back at Casey and asked, "_Five hours_?"

Casey laughed.

* * *

Kelly walked up the sidewalk to Casey's house. It was pitch dark out save for the street lamps and a few solar lights along people's walkways, most of the house was dark but there was a light on coming from the living room. The street was quiet except for the occasional distant sound of traffic nearby. He walked up on the porch and knocked on the front door.

"Who is it?" Casey's muffled voice asked.

Kelly decided to try his luck, the door was unlocked. He stepped in just as Casey came to the dining room to get to the front hall. He had Violet cradled in his arms against his chest. Her large blue eyes looked around the room but she looked about as tired as her dad.

"What're you doing here?" Casey asked.

"I thought you could use some company since you were going to be up all night," Kelly answered.

Casey managed an exhausted smile and responded, "Not _all_ night, just however long it takes her to fall back asleep after eating."

Kelly smiled at him as he closed the door behind him.

It had been a week since the adoption was finalized and Casey got to bring her home. Kelly had driven him out and back, and everybody else had been waiting at the house to welcome the newest member of the 51 family. It was only after they'd come in the door that Casey thought to comment how traumatized Violet was going to be after being surrounded by so many strange people at one time, everybody had just laughed at his comment as they all hovered over the new baby cooing and fussing over her. If the look on the baby's face had been any indicator, Violet couldn't have cared less about the people making screwball faces at her and gibbering in baby talk. She arched her head back against Casey and seemed content to stay with him. Everybody had been there for hours welcoming her home, there were metallic foil 'It's a Girl' balloons tied all over the first floor, the table had been decorated, Cindy had bought a cake, everybody took turns holding the 10 pound girl who squinted at them through tired eyes and made a bunch of uninterested faces at them before finally falling asleep. Between all of them they must've taken a hundred pictures on their phones. Everybody had been so excited about the new arrival, nobody had wanted to leave, but as the day got late one by one they offered a last congratulations and said their goodbyes and went to their cars. In the end it had just been Casey and his new daughter, and over the next week it had been one hell of a ride.

"You look exhausted," Kelly observed.

Casey's eyes looked like he was about to drop dead, but he smiled as he told Kelly, "I took her to the pediatrician...he couldn't believe some of the things I told him."

"Like what?"

"Like she can already turn herself over, he said that doesn't usually start until 4-5 months, she can already undress herself, he said that doesn't start until later either."

"Got a little overachiever there," Kelly commented.

"He also said she's holding her head up better than most babies her age, said she has great neck muscles."

"Now that's a new one."

"She's happy, and healthy, and strong..." Casey trailed off, Kelly looked at him to see what was the matter.

Casey weakly smiled and confessed, "I'm about scared to let go of her. I don't want her out of my sight. I've...hardly put her down all week."

"Here, I'll take her."

Matt very cautiously held her out and let Kelly take Violet from him. Casey removed the towel from his shoulder and headed to the kitchen. Kelly rocked the fussy baby and called to the kitchen, "So you talk to Boden?"

"Yeah, he's going to pull some strings so when I go back to work, I come in for half a shift each day, for six days a week, that way I won't have to leave Violet with anyone overnight and I'll have one whole day I can be with her," he answered. "Cindy said she could take her in the daytime all week until I get home."

Kelly nodded, "Sounds like a plan."

Casey came back to the living room and said with a confused expression on his face, "You know...I don't even remember how we got through our shifts with Louie...I don't remember there being an issue of where he was going to stay while we were gone 24 hours."

Kelly sat down on the couch and cradled Violet against his chest, "Didn't you say Connie has a sister that runs a daycare?"

"Yeah, Bonnie."

Kelly laughed, "Connie and Bonnie? Are they twins?"

"Beats the hell out of me."

"Two of Connie, now that's a scary thought," Kelly mused.

"I'm sure she'd do fine with Violet...but I don't like the idea of her being around 20 other kids all day. If one of them gets sick, they all get sick, and she's still so young, and small...I don't want to take that chance," Matt told him.

"I get it," Kelly said.

Casey just stood in the middle of the room and seemed to be frozen for a minute, then he looked at Kelly and told him, "I'm scared, Kelly."

"That's understandable, this is all new."

"No, it's not that," Casey shook his head as he sat down beside Severide on the couch. "What if this _is_ like Louie? What if in a month or a year, somebody crawls out of the woodwork claiming to be Violet's father, or grandparents? What happens then?"

"Then we will help you fight to keep her, you know that."

"What if it's not enough? You know the courts love to rule in favor of biological family no matter how bad they are."

"If it happens, then we'll deal with it, in the meantime don't worry about it," Kelly said. "Hey, since you don't have to worry about nursing, why don't you get us a couple beers while we wait for her to fall asleep?"

Casey nodded, "Yeah, okay." He got up, went to the kitchen and came back with two bottles, twisted the caps off and handed one to Severide.

"Thanks." He took a swig, then set it on the coffee table and asked Casey, "So, is this what your nights look like now?"

"For the most part. Not the exciting bachelor life, is it?"

"Nah, you got something better," Kelly said.

Casey's eyes closed for a few seconds, then forced themselves back open and he nodded, "I know it. I'm...truly blessed."

Casey fell asleep sitting up in five minutes. Kelly chuckled to himself as he stood up and carried Violet up the stairs and got her settled in her crib.

"You've been running your daddy ragged, haven't you?" he asked as he laid her down and covered her with her baby blanket.

The tiny brunette girl stared up at him, her eyes wide in trying to figure out what she was looking at. Kelly smiled at her.

"Hey you," he told her, "You don't know it, but you really saved your daddy's life...you're his real miracle."

He knelt down beside the crib and watched her and waited her out as eventually her eyes closed and she started sucking her thumb. He saw the chest of her onesie rising and falling in steady breaths and decided it was safe to leave her be. He tiptoed out of the nursery, turned the lights out on his way out, leaving only a faint night light on in the corner of the room, and headed back downstairs. When he returned to the living room he saw Casey was still in a dead sleep in the exact same position he was in before. Kelly went over and lightly nudged him into laying down on the couch and draped a blanket over him.

"I'm starting to see the family resemblance," Kelly quietly said to himself as he sat down in the chair next to the couch, turned the TV on and muted it and flipped through the channels.

* * *

Casey's arm stretched out to the space beside him where Violet had been...there was nothing. His eyes flew open and he shot up in the bed frantically screaming, "Violet, Violet!"

Kelly entered the bedroom wearing a white face mask and gloves and tried to calm his friend. "Hey, hey, hey, take it easy, Casey, she's okay."

"Kelly?" Casey's chest was heaving as he looked around, "What's going on, where's the baby?"

"Herrmann's got her, take it easy," Severide told him.

"What's going on, Kelly?"

"Hang on, let me check your temperature," Kelly picked up a digital thermometer from the nightstand, turned it on and pressed it against Casey's sweat soaked temple. "100.9, still got a fever."

"Fever? What-what's going on?" It was only then that Casey realized how bad he felt. His throat was half raw, his bones hurt, he was cold, he was sweating, he could hear a rattle in his chest as he breathed like something was stuck in his windpipe.

"You've had the flu the last two days," Kelly answered, "don't worry, we're taking care of Violet."

"Two days?" It didn't ring a bell to Casey, he didn't even know what day it was...or was supposed to be anyway. "We? Who all's here? What's..." Casey just now could make out a lot of different noises coming from downstairs, one sounded like the vacuum cleaner, another sounded like a carpet steamer, another sounded like an aerosol can being sprayed, others he couldn't make out, "What is that?"

"We're keeping the house disinfected so the baby won't get sick," Kelly said, and crossed his latex covered fingers.

"Is she okay?"

"Otis says she's eating like a tribble, I have _no_ idea what that means."

Casey's eyes roamed around the room as he took everything in, and finally settled on Kelly as he asked, "How'd I get blessed with a family like this?"

"Karma," Kelly answered. "When you're a good person, good comes back to you."

"This isn't good," Casey murmured, "this is better than winning the lottery."

Severide looked at him and noted for his fever not breaking yet, he was soaked clear through. "You want to get up and get a shower?"

Casey thought about it and nodded, "Might as well."

He got up and was unsteady on his feet. Kelly grabbed him and helped him to the bathroom.

"Thanks for coming over and helping me, Kelly."

"Don't mention it."

* * *

"Hey you," Casey said when he first laid eyes on Violet for the first time in days, after his fever had finally broken and he wasn't trying to cough up a lung every few minutes. Violet was dressed in a pink outfit with a white headband and strapped in her car seat on the table. Her little eyes lit up at the sight of him and she let out a laughing squeal as she kicked her legs wildly at the sight of him.

Matt unstrapped her and held her against him with her head resting on his shoulder, "I missed you. Did you miss me? Hm?" he turned his head and kissed her. He rocked from side to side with her and said half to himself and half to her, "This is actually real, isn't it? ...Wow."

Suddenly Casey's chest felt tight and it was hard to breathe.

* * *

"I guess it's just now starting to really sink in," Matt told Kelly the next time he came over, and watched as Kelly sat on the floor beside Violet on her playmat and jiggled the colorful plastic chains dangling over her to get her attention. "This is a lifelong change...it's not even about the 18 years, once you have kids, you never stop worrying about them, no matter how old they are."

"You couldn't prove it by Benny," Kelly remarked as he shook the chain and watched as Violet tried to reach for it.

"Well, I've already started a savings account for when she grows up."

"That's fast."

"I figure $300 a month should suffice."

Kelly did the mental calculations and looked back towards Casey and said, "That'd be almost $65,000 when she's 18."

"If I live that long," Casey said half under his breath. "I figure that way she can go to college, or if not she can buy a house, a car, whatever she does she won't have to start off being in debt."

"Father of the year," Kelly said jokingly.

"Kelly, there's something I need to ask you," Casey said.

"What's that?"

"I'm seeing someone tomorrow to have my will changed, if something happens to me on the job, will you take custody of Violet?"

Kelly's eyes doubled in size at that comment and he turned and looked at Matt. "What?"

"Just incase anything would ever happen, would you raise her?"

Kelly sat there for a moment with his eyes wide and his mouth opening and closing but no real sound was coming out, finally the words started forming, "Y-yeah, of course I would, you know that, but you don't need to worry about that."

"You don't know that."

"Casey, nothing's going to-"

"That's what Andy thought," Casey pointed out. "Look what happened."

That was true, but Kelly wasn't going to let that get in the way. "Yeah well, no disrespect to Andy, but you're smart enough not to climb in a house that hasn't been vented."

"It doesn't matter, there are a million other things that can go wrong on a call and you know it," Matt said. "I just need to know that if something happens to me that Violet will be taken care of."

Kelly looked him in the eyes and saw the panic and terror there, and said calmly and assuredly, "Of course she will be, Casey, you know that."

That seemed to calm him down slightly, then he thought to ask, "What if something happens to _you_?"

Kelly thought for a minute, "Herrmann and Cindy could take her, they've had 5 kids already, they're the experts."

Casey sighed and said, "For once I wish we knew somebody whose life isn't put on the line every single day."

"Or rather every third day."

"Not helping."

"Sorry," Severide replied.

Casey leaned forward and covered his face with his hands as he groaned. "There's so much stuff I never thought about when I decided to adopt Violet." He lowered his hands and told Kelly, "I don't mind being up all night, I don't mind the sleep deprivation, I don't mind cleaning up the messes, and I got lucky, she's really not much of a crier...but it's this stuff that scares the hell out of me, all the what-ifs to think about. That's not to say if I could go back and do it again that I wouldn't, but it just hits you like a ton of bricks."

"Well I hate to tell you, buddy, but you've got it worse than Herrmann does, he's got Cindy to help him with the kids."

"And Boden has Donna...now I remember why I thought Gabby was nuts for trying to go it alone with Louie."

"That's different," Kelly said.

"I know...but it's exhausting already, what's going to happen when I go back on shift?" Casey asked. "What happens when she's big enough to start crawling around?"

"We'll help you get it figured out," Kelly told him. "Casey, _nobody_ can raise a kid by themselves, it's just not possible."

"People do it all the time."

"No they don't, whether they're married or single, they have babysitters, they have nannies, they have family that helps, they have daycare to take the kids all day, there's always someone else in the picture even if you don't think about them," Kelly pointed out.

Casey looked at him and responded, "I never thought about that."

Kelly got up and sat beside Matt on the couch and told him, "You'll have all of us helping you, it's going to be fine."

Casey leaned to the side and supported his head against his fist and said, "That's the thing I don't get...Gabby knew everybody would rally to help us with a new baby, they already did it before when we got Louie, she knew that, she knew everybody would help us with a new baby...why did...I don't understand it."

"I know, I'm sorry."

A small sound diverted their attention and both men looked back at Violet who had her head pressed flat on the mat and her eyes seemed to look back towards them, and made another sound, as if inquiring where they'd gone.

Casey absently wiped his face with the back of his hand and smiled as he got off the couch and made his way over to his daughter. He leaned over the top of the playmat and watched her eyes get big as he came back into focus. Then he laid himself flat beside the mat and tilted his head down and kissed her. "Love you, baby."

Matt heard Kelly get up from the couch and glanced back and saw Kelly get down on the floor and scoot over towards them.

"Every day, Kelly," he said, and turned and looked at his daughter. "Every day I just want to stop time and freeze her as she is so she can't get any older, and I think there can't possibly be another day as good as this one...then the next day comes, and it's even better than the day before..."

Kelly watched the baby and smiled at her, then he saw Casey turn to him and he saw a hint of terror in Matt's eyes.

"It's all going to go too fast," he said. "In a few weeks I go back to work, I won't see her for half the day, so much is going to happen when I'm not there and I'm not looking. Then it'll be months, then it'll be a year, and one year becomes another..."

"You're getting ahead of yourself, Casey," Kelly told him, "she's two months old, she can't even crawl yet."

"Yeah, but before I know it she's going to learn to walk, and talk, and then she'll be starting school," he replied, "and 20 years will pass before I realize it, and she'll be gone, out on her own, and soon starting her own family...it puts your whole lifespan in perspective..." Casey got a strange look in his eyes and his head tipped to the side, "I'm dizzy."

"You can't think like that, Matt," Kelly said, "there's going to be plenty of time for everything."

"Yeah...just as long as I always come back from a shift," Casey replied. He pressed a hand against his cheek and slowly raked it over his eye and forehead and told his friend, "When you put it in that perspective, it's _very_ overwhelming."

Kelly reached over and placed a hand on Casey's back and assured his friend, "Everything's going to be fine."


	5. Chapter 5

Casey listened to the sound of his own breaths as he realized he'd been asleep. In fact he could feel the pillows under his head, and the soft cotton of a sheet and the heavy weight of a bedspread draped over him. What time was it? For that matter, what day was it? He opened his eyes and saw the sun pouring in the windows, he wasn't sure whether that made it morning or not. He heard the sound of footsteps outside of his room.

"Hey, you awake?" he heard Kelly's voice ask.

"Wha...what time is it?" he asked as he rubbed his eyes.

"4:30."

"A.M. or P.M.?" Casey asked, keeping his hands over his eyes.

"P.M.," Kelly answered.

"What?" Casey dropped his hands to his sides and his eyes jerked open as he shot up in the bed. "Oh my God, I've got to get Violet up and-"

"Calm down," Kelly said, "everything's taken care of."

"How long have I been asleep?" Casey couldn't even remember being awake that day.

"Don't worry, you needed it," Kelly said as he patted Casey's side through the covers. "Casey, you've been running yourself ragged for weeks, you needed to rest, so I called in the professionals."

"Who?"

"Herrmann and Cindy, you should see them," Kelly sat on the edge of the bed and looked at Matt. "Cindy's got dinner cooking, Herrmann's watching the baby, the two of them went through this place like a tornado cleaning everything that needed it."

"And you've watched them this whole time?" Casey asked.

"No, I've been watching you sleep," he answered teasingly.

Casey tiredly groaned and reached over and elbowed Kelly in the side.

* * *

"Hey look, there's daddy," Herrmann told Violet as they saw Casey enter the living room.

Casey was embarrassed about not being awake when Herrmann and his wife got there earlier that day and felt out of place as he tried to think of what to say to them now.

"Hi, Herrmann, Cindy...uh...sorry I wasn't up when you came over."

Cindy smiled at him assuredly, "Don't worry about it, Matt, we've been there."

"Oh yeah," Herrmann said, "I remember after Lee Henry was born, in-laws took him for an afternoon so we could do something for ourselves...four hours later we wake up sitting up on the couch, don't remember a thing. You love them with everything you got, but they exhaust everything you _got_ right out of you."

Casey tiredly smirked as he responded, "No argument there." He took Violet from Herrmann and addressed the couple as he told them, "Thanks for coming over and helping out."

"We're happy to do it, Matt," Cindy said. "She is an adorable little girl."

"Don't I know it," Casey said as he sat down with Violet's head supported on his shoulder, "Can I ask you two a question? How do you do it? How do you deal with..._everything_?"

"We had help," Cindy answered, "and you know we're here anytime you need us."

Casey nodded, "I know, and I appreciate it...I just...I want to make sure I'm doing everything right by her...this is new for me, I'm trying to do everything right but I'm not sure."

"Don't worry about it, Casey," Herrmann said, "right now you're at the point if you make a mistake, she'll never realize it, and when she does...then you'll be in the same boat with everybody else who ever had kids."

Cindy cleared her throat, "What Christopher's trying to say is nobody's ever really prepared to have kids, you just learn most of it as you go, nobody gets it all right."

"How reassuring," Casey lightly chuckled. He sighed and told them, "I guess I just feel bad because there's no real extended family for Violet, there's just my mom and honestly...I haven't told her yet."

"Oh wow," Herrmann blinked, "That's gonna be a heck of a surprise when she comes to visit."

"When I was growing up, I knew my grandparents," Casey recalled, "I had aunts, uncles, cousins...I wouldn't say any of them actually helped to raise me or that we were all that close, but they were around, I hate that Violet's not going to have any of that."

"What're you talking about?" Herrmann asked. "This kid's got the biggest extended family that ever lived, the whole family at Firehouse 51."

"I appreciate that, Herrmann, but, it's not the same," Casey said. "She has no birth family and most of my relatives are dead...I didn't really think about it at the time but she's going to grow up with no real family."

"Are you kidding?" Herrmann replied, "she's got the greatest father that ever lived right here. As long as she's got that, she's got it made."

Considering this statement came from a man with five kids of his own and was well seasoned in the art of being a parent and in fact had as far as everybody knew, the biggest family of anybody at 51, Casey felt a slight flush in his cheeks of humility, "Thanks, Herrmann."

"Oh, dinner should be ready any minute," Cindy said as she got up from the couch, "I'll just check how it's doing."

Casey watched her leave the room and head for the kitchen, then he turned back to Herrmann and told him, "I don't know what to say...thank you...I...was definitely not expecting this."

The older firefighter smiled knowingly and replied, "Don't mention it, Casey, we're happy to help. We're also thrilled to get to spend time with the baby. Cindy's thrilled about taking her when you go back to work.'

Casey's expression dropped slightly, "Yeah...tell me something, Herrmann, when you had your first kid...was it hard going back to work after?"

"Sure...but I knew Cindy could handle it...and she's an expert now after all the ones we had," Christopher answered.

Casey nodded, "I know...I know, but...every time I think about leaving her for the day...scares the hell out of me."

"Well that's understandable after everything you've been through."

"Herrmann..." Casey squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head, "You don't have any idea what all I've been through."

"Well I know you guys had a rough time losing Louie, but nothing like that's gonna happen this time," Herrmann said.

Casey opened his eyes. Herrmann didn't understand. He could never really understand.

"I hope not," he merely said in response, "I can't lose _anyone_ _else_."

* * *

Casey waved goodbye as Cindy and Herrmann left and shut the door behind them, then went back to the living room where Kelly was seated on the couch and Violet was lazing on her playmat.

"So," Kelly said, "I've been thinking-"

"Congratulations," Casey said as he sat in the chair beside the couch.

"Shut up...anyway, what if I moved in here for a while and helped you with Violet?" Kelly asked.

Casey looked at him with an expression on his face that couldn't process what Severide was saying.

"Just until you went back to work, then there'd be someone around half the week to help out, we could trade off, I could watch her while you slept and it wouldn't be so overwhelming for you," Kelly explained.

"Kelly..." Casey's brain was slow to take this proposal in and he wasn't sure what to make of it, "I appreciate it but I couldn't ask you to do that."

"You're not, I'm offering, besides," he smiled, "I'd like to see her more."

Case's face scrunched up as a small laugh escaped him. "She _does_ have that effect on people."

"She's adorable, Casey."

"And exhausting," Matt added, "I know that sounds horrible but-"

"Nah, it's true," Severide responded, "Kids are a full-time job all their own."

"You'd really be willing to do that?" Casey asked.

"I can be moved in in an hour," Kelly answered.

Casey was in awe. "I...I don't...thank you...you don't know how much I'd appreciate it."

* * *

Kelly opened the front door and stepped in with his bag slung over his shoulder.

"Yo, Casey, I'm here!" He was met with silence, he looked around and stepped from room to room, inquiring, "Casey?"

A muffled voice called down from the second floor, "Up here!"

Kelly headed up the stairs two at a time and found Casey in the bathroom in the process of getting Violet undressed. He looked over towards the door and said, "Hey. You're just in time to help give her a bath."

Kelly looked at the clock and asked, "Isn't it kind of late for that?"

"She threw up."

"Oh _fun_," Kelly said dryly. He stepped into the room and saw the bathtub already had a couple inches of water in it and the bath sponge floating on top.

"I thought they got you one of those baby baths for this."

"They did, but I think she's outgrown it already," Casey said.

Kelly turned to him and asked curiously, "What do you mean?"

"I'll show you," Casey lifted Violet in his arms and knelt down beside the tub and eased her down on the sponge and told his daughter, "Show Uncle Kelly what you learned how to do."

The little girl seemed to revel in being in the tub and squealed as she kicked, then Kelly watched as she rolled herself over and stuck her head under the water and started to pull herself off the sponge.

"No you don't," Casey grabbed her by her tiny feet and turned her back over, "get back here."

Violet laughed as she kicked one foot in the water, then turned herself over again and dunked her head in the water and scooted along the tub floor.

"She's already learning to swim?" Kelly asked.

"Apparently," Casey said. "I couldn't figure out what she was doing the first time."

"You're gonna have your hands full with her."

"Don't I know it," Casey said as he turned her back over and settled her on the sponge again. He looked at his best friend and confessed, "I'm really glad you're here, Kelly...I've been going out of my mind trying to figure out how to get everything done."

"Well I'm here now," he replied, "we'll get it figured out."

* * *

Casey shot up in bed screaming. He opened his eyes and saw the lights were on, and slowly came to realize he was on top of the covers, dressed in his pajamas. Apparently he'd conked out before he actually _went_ to bed.

Kelly came into the room with Violet cradled in his arms. "What is it, Casey? What's wrong?"

Casey took in a ragged breath and pointed a finger at Kelly and told him, "Give me my baby, give her to me."

Kelly didn't get it, but he went over to the bed and held her out for Casey to take her. Matt cradled her against his chest and squeezed his eyes shut as a shudder ran through his body. Kelly wasn't sure but he would've sworn he could hear Casey murmuring something to his daughter.

"What is it, Casey?" he asked, "What happened?"

Casey shakily took in and let out several more heavy breaths before he was able to talk. He held Violet against him and blankly stared straight ahead.

"I had a nightmare..."

"What about?" Kelly asked.

Casey's eyes widened in terror.

"An arm...a little arm..."

Kelly felt his stomach drop.

Casey blinked, "That image is going to haunt me until the day I die. Why did the doctor have to tell me that?"

"I'm sorry, Casey," Kelly quietly murmured as he put a hand on Matt's shoulder.

Violet started fidgeting and struggling in Casey's hold and began bawling in apparent response to the stress coming off of him. Casey held her tighter against him and Kelly could hear him saying lowly, "I'm not going to let anybody get you."

This was hard for Kelly to watch and he didn't know what to do except offer Casey his presence, and with it the assurance that his dream, whatever the actual full extent of it was, was only that, and that this now was what was real.

He sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed his hand just under the back of Casey's neck and told him, "You're okay."

Casey opened his eyes and looked at Kelly and said mournfully, "I'm glad you're here, I don't know what I'd do if I was alone."

Kelly wrapped an arm around Casey's back, "It's alright, Casey, it's over."

Violet's sobs got even louder, Casey looked at the clock on the nightstand and moved to get up, "It's time for her bottle."

"Hang on, I'll help you," Kelly stood up and followed him out of the room.

* * *

"Would you hold still?" Kelly said with a laugh as he tried to get Violet dressed for the day. The dark haired baby squealed with a laugh as she wriggled against his attempts to her her tiny arms in her sleeves.

"You're enjoying this way too much," he told her with a small grunt.

"Lot harder than a doll, isn't it?"

Kelly turned and saw Casey standing in the doorway.

"I thought you were asleep."

"I was. What're you doing?"

"Thought I'd help you out and get her ready for the day," Kelly said. "Is it _always_ this much trouble to get her dressed?"

"Oh no," Casey shook his head, "Sometimes she _fights_."

Kelly chuckled, then admitted, "I'm scared I'm gonna hurt her." He was quickly finding out how easy it was to forget his own strength as applied to everyday tasks involving a small baby.

"Join the club," Casey said as he walked over to the table, "Here, let me."

"So're you okay?" Kelly asked.

"Yeah, sorry about last night."

"You can't help it," Severide told him.

"Ta-da," Casey said teasingly as he finished dressing Violet.

"Smart-ass."

"Language," Casey chided him.

Kelly reached over and playfully slapped his side. "You're really getting this stuff down pat."

"I always wanted kids," Casey said as he looked down at his daughter. "It still scares me every time I think about going back to work and not seeing her all day. When I thought Hallie..."

He paused for a moment as all the old emotions came flooding back and hit him full force. He tried again, "When I thought we'd have kids, I didn't think anything about the fact we'd both be working full-time, we'd need baby-sitters, daycare, it didn't bother me...what was I thinking?"

Kelly laughed and told him, "It'll all work out, Casey, you'll see."


	6. Chapter 6

Kelly rolled over in bed and opened his eyes and saw the red digits on the clock reading 11:30 P.M. He didn't even remember falling asleep, but he quickly jumped out of bed to go tend to Violet. As he stepped out into the hall he saw a light on in the nursery and a few different scenarios were racing through his mind as he went to the door.

"Casey?"

He pushed the slightly ajar door open and saw Casey sitting in the rocking chair three feet from the crib, Violet cradled against his chest and as far as Kelly could tell, she was asleep or very well near it. Casey was struggling to keep his breathing in check so he didn't wake his daughter and upset her, but Kelly could see the unmistakable trails streaking down his cheeks and the small tremors racing through Casey's chest.

Kelly held his arms out and quietly told him, "Give her to me, Casey."

Casey shook his head and clutched the sleeping baby tighter against him.

"It's alright, I'm not taking her away, just give her to me," Kelly tried again.

It took a little doing but he finally managed to coax Matt into handing her over to him. Very carefully he took the baby girl from Casey and held her against him and asked Casey, "What's wrong?"

Casey raised his hands to his face and cupped them over his eyes as his whole body trembled now that he didn't have to restrain himself for his daughter's sake.

"I just can't stop thinking about it, Kelly," he tearfully confessed.

"About what?"

"The whole damn thing" Casey answered with a small sniff, "...Gabby killed my daughter...Violet's mom died protecting her...I feel..."

"What?" Kelly asked.

Casey shook his head, "I love Violet so much...but it feels like I'm trying to use her to replace the one Gabby had killed..."

"You're not, Casey," Kelly told him.

"It feels like it is...and that's not fair to Violet. Kelly, I'm terrified that I'm doing everything wrong."

"Like what?"

"I don't know, _everything_," Casey answered.

"That's just because this is still all new," Kelly told him. "Casey, people have been parenting for thousands of years and they ain't got it right _yet_. So don't worry about it, nobody gets it perfect, a lot don't even get it right."

"It's one thing right now when she's too young to understand any of it, but what happens when she's older?" Casey asked as he leaned back in the chair. "What if she hates me?"

"All kids hate their parents after a certain age, it's a fact of life," Kelly said nonchalantly. "It doesn't mean anything."

A small, exhausted, slightly confused smile formed on Matt's face as he looked at Severide and responded, "I'm not sure that's true, Kelly."

"Well I hated Benny," he replied.

"Benny's a great dad."

"Yeah but he wasn't when he walked out on me and my mom when I was 10," Kelly replied, "but look at us now, we got past it. And I _know_ you'll be a hell of a lot better dad than Benny was."

"But you still think we'll be going down that road sometime in the future."

"Unfortunately it's inevitable," Kelly replied, "but you'll more likely just have all the little stuff for her to hate you for...she won't resent you for anything you've done to give her a good life and a loving home, and a father who would do anything for her."

Casey slowly rocked back and forth in the chair and pondered something. He looked at Kelly and asked him, "Do you think it'd be a mistake to tell her about her sister?"

Kelly shrugged, "Why would it be?"

"What if she _did_ think she was just a substitute? I couldn't stand it if that happened," Casey said, a note of terror present in his voice at the very thought.

Kelly shook his head, "That would never happen."

A slight shiver ran through Casey's body as he responded, "I hope not...I don't ever want her to think that she was just a replacement. But I can't stop thinking about her, Kelly...what she'd look like, what she'd be like...how old she'd be now..."

Kelly nodded sympathetically. "I know, Casey, it's hard not to."

Casey dragged the palm of his hand across his cheek, stretching the skin out bit by bit as it moved, and told his best friend, "I don't know what I'm doing, Kelly."

"Let's go downstairs and get a drink," Severide told him.

* * *

Casey just finished strapping Violet into her car seat on the kitchen table as Kelly got two cups of coffee ready and set one down in front of him.

"I know I'm the last person to give advice," Kelly said as he sat down in the chair next to Casey's, "But have you ever thought about going to therapy?"

Casey turned and looked at him through one half open eye, "For what?"

"You know, everything that's going on," Kelly said.

Casey opened his eye all the way and shook his head, "I can't tell a stranger about what happened, I can't ever tell _anyone_ else about what Gabby did."

"Okay, I understand that," Kelly replied, "but, there's still the rest of it. You adopted a baby you delivered, whose mother you saw die, for reasons nobody can make any sense of, you're a first time parent, you're a single dad, and you don't come from a great track record of raising kids...that's enough stress for anybody, and there are a lot of people who get counseling to help them figure it all out."

"Like who?"

"Trust me, it's more common than you think," he said. He shrugged and added, "If you don't like that idea, there's about a million books on parenting at the library to look through for pointers."

"I don't know," Casey shook his head.

"It can't hurt anything, can it?" Kelly asked.

"I suppose not..." Casey looked down at the table, and slowly sighed, and told Kelly, "I had a nightmare."

"What about?"

Casey picked his head up, didn't look at Kelly, only looked straight ahead towards the wall as he answered, "I dreamt that Gabby came back and she tried to kill Violet."

"What?" Kelly hadn't been expecting anything like that.

Casey nodded reluctantly, knowing how crazy it all sounded, "I dreamt she came in here, and found Violet, and...she tried to kill her, she said 'If I can't be happy, neither can you'."

"Casey..."

"I know, I know...I know...but it just felt so _real_, Kelly...sometimes I wake up thinking I'm right back there when they took her to the hospital, and it all becomes real again...and I still feel so scared for her, until I remember..."

Matt shook his head despondently and said to Kelly, "It's been so long, and I still can't make any sense of this...how could she do it? How could she not even tell me she was pregnant?"

"Because she knew how much you wanted kids and knew if she told you, you'd try to talk her out of it," Kelly said.

"And would that have been so awful? Even if I couldn't at least I'd know what I'd be dealing with," Casey replied.

Kelly knew he was on thin ice but he told Casey, "I don't think a betrayal like that would've been much easier to take. I'm sorry you had to find out everything the way you did, but I don't think there's any _better_ way it could've happened."

Casey sighed. "If she'd told me, she wouldn't have had to hide it, she wouldn't have gone to that butcher shop, she wouldn't have almost died..."

"And you wouldn't have worried yourself sick over her," Kelly said.

"She was my wife, even with what she did it doesn't mean I don't still love her," Casey admitted. Then he shook his head, "But I know I can never forgive her for what she's done...and I hope I never see her again. I'm worried what I might do if I did."

"What do you mean?" Kelly asked.

"I'm worried if I saw her again, like just out in public...that I might just...march up to her...and beat the hell out of her all over again...I've been having nightmares about that too, that I see her, and I just start pummeling her...and she's screaming...and I just can't stop...I don't want that to happen, Kelly. But every time I think about what she did...and what she said to me...I just want to hit her her all over again..."

"That's understandable, Casey," Kelly told him. "I don't know anybody who could forgive what Gabby did...and if she ever _did_ show her face around here again, I would..." Kelly looked at Violet and pressed the tips of his index fingers against her little ears and told Casey in a lower tone, "kick her ass clear out of this house."

"You'd do that?" Casey asked in disbelief.

"You're my best friend, and I've been here every step of the way, I've seen what she's done to you, Matt...hell yeah I'd do it," Kelly answered, "and I wouldn't think twice about it."

Casey shook his head, "I don't know what to say...I hate that she's caused all this trouble...and I hate that it's become your problem too..."

"You're _not_ a problem, Matt," Kelly told him. "I'm happy to be here, I'm thrilled to be a part of this, and I'm going to do whatever it takes to keep things as they are."

Casey looked at him, and couldn't think of what to say, other than, "Thank you."

* * *

"I am so sorry about this, Kelly," Casey said as they came in the front door.

Kelly hit the lights, then removed his keys, wallet, cell phone, and jacket and told Matt, "No problem, Violet needed some fresh air, besides I think she liked going in the car."

Casey carried the car seat over to the table and set it down to unstrap Violet. "I know I overreacted, I know it was stupid..."

"Matt, I'd be concerned if you _weren't_ worried. Benny told me the first year I was alive my mom rushed me to the ER two dozen times, and all of them at night. Every little rash, fever, or _anything_, and she'd run in swearing I was dying. Nobody ever told her too much orange food makes a baby turn orange, she rushed me in one night thinking I was jaundiced."

Casey unstrapped his daughter and proceeded to remove her hat, coat, booties, and the blanket she was wrapped in, and held her against chest and told her, "You are going to give me an ulcer, you know that? You are going to worry me sick." He turned to Kelly and told him, "I don't know how people do it."

"It's my understanding it gets easier with each kid," Kelly said, "I don't think anything can happen to faze Herrmann anymore."

"But I'm not..." Casey didn't finish the thought as he rocked Violet in his arms and tried to get her to fall asleep.

"Well maybe not anytime soon but you never know," Kelly said, "single dads with cute babies are an easy way to meet women."

Casey let out a small chuckle but more somberly he told Kelly, "I don't want to meet women."

"You're in for a rude surprise then," Kelly told him, "did you see all the women watching you when you walked in to the hospital?"

"No."

Kelly rolled his eyes.

"Kelly..."

"Yeah?"

Casey looked at him, eyes wide with fear and he asked in a voice so small he almost couldn't be heard, "Do you think Gabby ever _would_ come back?"

Kelly only thought about it for a second or two, then shook his head, "No way, she'd never have the balls to show her face around here again."

"I hope not," Casey said, a small shake in his voice, "I don't know what I'd do."

Kelly reached over and patted Casey on the back sympathetically and told him, "Come on, let's sit down while we wait for her to fall asleep."

They sat on the couch and Kelly turned on the TV and after a few minutes he said to Casey, "I know we discussed this before, but I think therapy might do you some good. You have more stress on your shoulders than anybody should, and you need to figure out what to do about it."

"I don't know, Kelly," Casey shook his head, "I don't like the idea of leaving Violet for that long."

"It would only be an hour a week, Casey."

Kelly wanted to laugh at the absolutely _lost_ look on Matt's face, as if he'd said a year.

"I can watch her while you go," Kelly pointed out, "and the others would be only too happy to help: Herrmann, Otis, Cruz, Capp-"

"I don't want Violet exposed to Capp," Casey replied, "he'll be a bad influence on her and you know it."

"Well look on the bright side, Casey, he'd finally have somebody to talk to," Severide responded teasingly.

Matt chuckled as he thought about that.

"Casey, everybody is behind you and everybody is going to help make this work," Kelly assured him.

"Well...I'll think about it," Matt said uncertainly, "but I'm still not sure."

"It can't hurt."

"What if they tell me I'm doing everything wrong?" Casey asked.

"They won't do that."

"How do you know?"

"They're trained better than that," Kelly answered without missing a beat. "If you _are_ doing something wrong, they'll help you figure it out."

He could see Casey was starting to breath heavily as he thought about it all, it was obvious this was still a huge hurdle for him, but he knew Casey would make the right decision, it was just going to be a matter of time.

* * *

"So when's Casey going to bring that baby around to show everybody?" Hank Voight asked Kelly the next night at Molly's. Kelly had told Casey he was heading out for an hour, Casey hadn't asked any questions, he seemed delighted at the chance of having some time alone with his daughter. Severide definitely hadn't counted on having a conversation with the Intelligence sergeant, but Voight initiated the contact so he went along with it.

"I don't know, aside from the doctor he hasn't taken her anywhere," Kelly explained, "he's worried about her picking up germs."

"Well that's understandable," Voight replied. "How's he holding up?"

"Overwhelmed...but he's loving it," Kelly answered. Pausing a beat, Kelly said half under his breath so the others didn't hear, "Hey listen, Voight...I wanted to thank you for pulling the strings to speed up the adoption."

"Thank Trudy," Voight told him, "she's the one that did it, not me."

Kelly blinked, "Trudy? As in Platt?"

"Mm-hmm," Voight took a swig of his Manhattan, "She used to date a guy who works in DCFS now who was overseeing the adoption, she called in a favor."

Kelly did a double take. "Why would she do that?"

"Trudy is a woman of many surprises," was all Hank was willing to say on the subject.

"I guess so," Kelly responded, "thank her for me. This is the best thing that's ever happened to Casey."

"Kids have a funny way of doing that," Voight commented with a knowing smirk.


	7. Chapter 7

Casey tensely entered the waiting room for the doctor's office, Kelly was right beside him carrying Violet in her car seat. Casey turned back towards Kelly, who assured him, "It'll be fine, we'll be right out here when you're done."

Matt anxiously nodded and made his way over to the receptionist and told her, "My name's Matt Casey, I have a 2 o' clock appointment with Dr. Procter."

"She'll see you shortly," the young woman said, "please take a seat."

Casey nodded again as he turned and headed back and sat down beside Kelly in a couple of the chairs.

"You really think this will work?" Casey asked.

"It can't hurt," Kelly replied.

"I'm still not sure about that."

"You are a nervous wreck, Matt, you won't sleep, you're hardly eating, at this rate I'm going to have _two_ of you to take care of," Kelly told him.

"Excuse me," a woman in her late 20s said as she and a man about her age sat down a couple spots over from them, "Are you here for couples' therapy too?"

Both firemen opened their mouths to respond but no words came out for either, hardly even a sound escaped their lips. They both looked at each other as their brains slowly processed the question, and they both let out a small laugh.

"Oh, no," Casey shook his head, "We're not..."

"I'm the babysitter," Kelly offered simply.

"Oh."

Casey felt he should be mortified by that comment but instead he found himself vainly trying to stifle a sputtering laugh.

A few minutes later the receptionist looked up and told Matt, "Mr. Casey, Dr. Procter will see you now."

"I still wish I didn't have to do this," he confessed to Kelly.

"You'll do fine," Severide told him as he leaned down to grasp Violet's little hands in his fingers and make her wave. "Say bye-bye to da-da."

"Very funny."

"We'll be _right_ here when you come out," Kelly said.

Casey hovered over his daughter and held his hand out in front of her. The baby girl wrapped her whole hand around his middle finger.

"Love you, baby," he leaned over and kissed her on the forehead before he headed in to the doctor's office.

* * *

"Let me save you some time," Casey looked out the window and stood with his back to the psychiatrist, "My mom killed my dad when I was 17, feel free to make of that what you will, I don't care."

"Is that why you're here, Matt?"

Dr. Procter was a woman in her late 30s that wore her curly blonde hair cut just above shoulder length and wore blue rimmed glasses on an old lady's beaded chain. It was Casey's opinion that she didn't even look real, he already wasn't fond of eye contact with her. He was fighting every urge in his body to march out the door, take his daughter and go back home. It was equally taking all his restraint to not march out there just to make sure she and Kelly were still there. He knew they wouldn't have gone anywhere, but it was driving him nuts not being able to see it for himself.

"I'm not sure why I'm here," he confessed as he looked down at the city below. "I think I need help, but I don't know what."

"Why _did_ you decide to come here today, Matt?" she probed.

He closed his eyes and shook his head defeatedly. "My friend thinks therapy could help..."

"With what?"

He sighed, opened his eyes, got ready to turn and face her but wasn't quite there yet, "I have a daughter, I adopted her."

"Congratulations, you must be very happy about that."

"I am...but I'm afraid too."

"What are you afraid of, Matt?"

"I don't know...everything..." he finally turned around and faced the woman again, "I never used to be..."

"Parenthood often changes that."

"Not like this," Casey walked over to the chair and sat down across from her, he found himself spilling out the whole story, his work at 51, Violet's mother, the combination her death and Violet's birth, the decision to adopt her. Through it all the psychiatrist sat across from him with no readable expression on her face, merely taking it all in.

"That would be a lot of stress for anybody to deal with, Matt."

"That's not all of it," Casey told her. "I'm not even sure it's the worst of it."

"What else?"

"I have no idea what I'm doing," Casey said. "I don't know anything about raising a baby...I always thought I'd have a family, a wife and kids and...I had a fiancee...we broke up, we got back together...she died...she was _murdered_...I met another woman, I married her, we lost a baby, we adopted a little boy, his birth family took him back..."

"Are you worried that the same thing will happen here? That somebody from Violet's family will show up and contest the adoption?"

"I did worry about it for a while, but even that's not the worst of it," Casey answered.

"Can you tell me what it was like growing up, Matt?"

He leaned back in his chair and let out a single, humorless chuckle, "Don't really feel like it."

"Yet you felt a need to bring up your mother killing your father."

"You might as well know," Casey explained, "everybody else does, I've already gotten hell for that from the whole city."

"What do you mean?"

Casey sucked in a groaning breath and it came back out as a sigh, and without meaning to he found himself spilling out everything about his run for alderman, the ads about his mom being a murderer, the constant mud slinging and defamation he faced during the whole run, and somewhere in there Gabby's name came up. Casey hadn't planned to mention any of it but he finally admitted the only reason he decided to run for alderman was because his wife had talked him into it, his wife who ignored the attacks on his character that he faced from the opposing candidates, whose initial interest in the scenario was the perks that would come with being an alderman's wife. Somehow, he wasn't sure why or how, he even told about Gabby's final nudge to him to run, the box of lingerie she showed him and the unspoken promise of sex for his agreement to run. In the back of his head his words to Gabby during their final confrontation kept playing back, how he was her whore that she could goad into sex any time she said 'jump'. _That_ part he managed to leave out of the conversation, but he was sure it showed on his face.

"And are you and your wife still together?" Dr. Procter asked.

Casey shook his head, "No...legally we're still married, but...we broke up a few months ago."

"Has she had any part in your daughter's life?"

Casey was already shaking his head before the question was fully asked, "No...no, definitely not, no."

"_Is_ someone else helping you raise her?"

Casey nodded, "My best friend, he's...they're out in the waiting room right now."

"Are you anxious to get back to her?"

"Yes," Casey answered simply and desperately.

The blonde woman nodded, "So for the most part you've been raising her on your own."

He nodded again, "You could say that."

"Are you currently working?"

"I took a few weeks off...I'm not looking forward to going back honestly."

"So you and your daughter have pretty much been together 24/7 since you adopted her, correct?"

Casey nodded. "I'm losing my mind already when I'm there every second to watch her...I don't know what I'm going to do when I go back to work and i have to trust someone else to take care of her."

"Do you have someone in mind who you trust?"

"Yes, but I still don't feel any better about it."

"So between your job, which is highly stressful and traumatic in and of itself, your fiancee's death, your marital problems, the events leading up to your daughter's adoption, and your own family history..." Matt merely nodded, not really knowing what to expect other than a general comment about how screwed up he was, "That's more stress than any one person should have to deal with."

"That's what Kelly said," Matt told her, "but what's the answer?"

"Matt," she said patiently, "I can appreciate what it's taken for you to come here and open up about all of this, but I'm sensing there's more to the story than just what you're willing to admit. You and your wife clearly went through a lot, what was the breaking point in the marriage?"

Casey squeezed his eyes shut and tried to breathe. This was precisely why he hadn't wanted to see a shrink, and he'd told Kelly as much, but here he was, and it would be so easy to just tell this woman the whole truth. He didn't know why or how, in the last few minutes he'd rolled off so many details he never thought he'd tell anyone.

"It slowly dawned on me that she didn't have any respect for me as her husband, as an equal in the marriage." He could've gone into the specifics about how she came to adopt Louie and what she'd put him through in the process for one shining example of how much he meant to her as an equal in their relationship, or even how he only married her because he felt bad she was raising her foster kid alone, even though that had been her decision when he didn't jump fast enough when she said so, but he couldn't, and he wouldn't.

He squeezed his eyes shut again when the memories got to be too much, that was the mistake, as soon as he closed his eyes, that image of a tiny arm instantly haunted him again.

"Matt?"

He opened his eyes.

"The breaking point..." he slowly said, realizing he was too far gone to hold this back. He didn't know what the doctor would say about it, though he half expected a lecture he'd already heard from Gabby at the time about how it was her decision to make and hers alone, but he had to get the weight off his chest. "My wife got pregnant...and she didn't tell me...she had an abortion...and she didn't tell me...I only found out a week later because she went to some third-rate crackpot who didn't know what he was doing, and she got an infection and almost died on the bathroom floor of our home."

He couldn't miss the oh so slight change in the psychiatrist's eyes. If she had expected _any_ part of what he'd told her today, as some 'normal' runoff a patient might divulge, she was _not_ expecting that, but he still couldn't get any read on what was going through her mind.

He was scared of what she might say, so he kept talking, thinking if he could fill up the silent gaps, he wouldn't have to hear what she was going to tell him. "I didn't even know she was pregnant, she wasn't showing...she was 5 months along...she took the time to find out what it was before she had it killed...a little girl...I have nightmares about that day all the time. I thought she was going to die, I thought the ambulance would never get there in time, I was worried she'd die before they could even get her to the hospital, I didn't know what was wrong...and when I found out I couldn't believe it. I wake up all the time and I still think it's that day all over again, and every time it happens, I'm terrified for her, terrified I'm going to lose her, until I remember what she did and how cold she was about it when I confronted her. She had a miscarriage and _that_ nearly killed both of us...how could she do _this_? How could she do it and not even consult me about it? How could she not even tell me she was pregnant with my baby? I have nightmares that she comes back and tries to kill my daughter...I think about the baby she killed all the time...she was _my_ daughter too...and she said it didn't matter what I thought, because she was the one who had to carry it. _It_! To her, our daughter was an 'it'. All the time I look at my daughter, and I can't help comparing her to our daughter...what would she look like if she'd been born? Would she look like her sister? Would she have the same personality? And how do I explain all this to my daughter when she's older, without her feeling like she was just a replacement for her sister who died? How am I supposed to explain that to her without her feeling like she was just...spare parts or something? A...a second place prize...? She...she's the only thing that's given my life purpose since the day I delivered her...everything worries me what could happen to her...she stops breathing in her sleep...she finds something on the floor and chokes on it...she catches some disease from somebody somewhere, the first time I put her in the tub she stuck her head under the water, and every time I turned her back over, she just did it again...an...an...and, I'm worried if I don't watch her every minute, time's just going to get away from me and before I know it, she'll be all grown up and out of my life...I've always loved being a firefighter more than anything, but I don't ever want her thinking that my job is more important than her, but now especially I have to make sure I come _back_ from every call because if I die, she'll be all alone."

Casey looked at the doctor and explained, "_That_ scares me, the thought of my wife coming back and finding her _scares_ me, the idea of her getting hurt or sick at all _scares_ me, the idea that somebody could take her away from me with a legal right to do it _scares me_, the idea that I'm doing every single thing wrong and am going to screw up her life without realizing it scares me, the thought of taking my eyes off of her for one minute scares the _hell_ out of me."

He sat in silence for a minute, then said, quietly, weakly, hopelessly, "So...what do I do? How do I _stop_ being afraid of all of this?"


	8. Chapter 8

Casey hadn't really planned to stay long enough for his whole session, for some reason he'd seen himself storming out early on, instead he wound up staying for the whole hour. He also hadn't planned to start crying as he recapped everything that had happened to him, and before the session was over he'd made use of several of the Kleenexes in the box Dr. Procter offered him.

"I'm sorry," he said, slowly regaining his voice.

She gave a small smile and told him, "It's alright."

"What do I do?" he asked again, feeling that there wasn't any way out of this situation.

"The people in your life have left you with a lot of unresolved issues, resulting in a lot of complex and unexpressed emotions that are causing a lot of the turmoil you're experiencing now," she said. "Are you currently in contact with your wife?"

Casey shook his head firmly. "No."

"What about your mother?"

"I kind of lost touch with her after she moved in with a friend," Casey admitted.

She slowly nodded. "Okay. So what I want you to do is sit down and write a letter to each of the people who have put you in this position and tell them what you're feeling towards them for what they did to you. It doesn't matter if no one else ever sees them, what matters is that you get out of every single thing you've wanted to tell them and have been holding in for years."

He looked at her with a very puzzled look on his face, "That actually works?"

"You might be surprised," she responded with a slight smile.

Casey thought it over and decided he didn't have much to lose.

When he left the office he was still trying to make sense of everything and felt overwhelmed by it all, and that quickly gave way as he stopped in his tracks, and after a slight pause, laughed to himself and shook his head at the sight of five or six women in the waiting room all fawning over Kelly and Violet.

* * *

"I'm telling you," Kelly said as he drove them back home, "you take Violet with you wherever you go, and you'll find a woman in no time."

Casey shook his head, "No, that was just the usual Kelly Severide charm."

Kelly laughed, "No way, on my best day I couldn't do that well, that daughter of yours is a certified chick magnet." He turned his head to look towards the car seat in the back and told Violet, "You're going to bring all the ladies to your daddy."

"Kelly stop," Casey elbowed him, "Watch the road before you kill us all."

"So," Kelly changed the subject as he turned to the front again, "Can I ask how therapy went?"

"I don't know," Casey answered honestly.

"Okay? But you stayed for the whole hour, that's a good sign, right?" Kelly asked.

"I guess," Casey replied, "I told her...I told her about Gabby, about the baby...I..." he shook his head as words failed him. It was obvious that he'd had no intention of revealing that part of it to the therapist. Kelly just looked at him.

"You okay?" he asked.

Casey shrugged, "I don't know...she wants me to write a letter to everybody who screwed up my life, my dad, my mom, Gabby..."

"They actually do that?" Kelly asked.

"Apparently...I don't know...you think it would do any good?"

Kelly thought the answer was a safe bet given Casey's dad was dead but he still found himself asking, "You don't have to send them out, do you?"

"No. It's just supposed to get out everything I've ever thought about what they did to me," Casey answered as he turned his head and looked out the window.

Kelly thought about it and said cautiously, not sure if there was a right or wrong answer, "It might not be a bad idea."

Casey made a sound, then turned to the front again and corrected himself, "That wasn't the word she used...what she said was, the people who are responsible for putting me in this position. Same thing basically..."

"You gonna do it?" Kelly asked.

Casey looked down, "I don't know...I don't want to...but I can't keep going on like this either..." he craned his neck and looked to the car seat in the back, "It's not fair to Violet."

"Not fair to you either."

"That's not my priority," Casey said.

"You need to make it one," Kelly told him. "If you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of your daughter."

Casey closed his eyes and scratched between them with his thumbnail, "I guess you have a point."

As Kelly drove along, he saw Casey open his eyes and turn towards the window again and he saw Casey watching a women walking by.

"If you want, we can stop and see if Violet can work her magic again," he offered with a mischievous smirk.

Casey tried his best to not look amused but the corners of his mouth were trying to smile as he looked to the front again and shook his head.

"You sure?" Kelly asked, "she doesn't even have to be awake for it to work."

"Kelly," Casey struggled with what he was going to say, and finally told him, "After what Gabby did...I don't think I can ever trust another woman again...okay?"

Kelly's smile dropped and he became very somber, "Okay, I'm sorry...I didn't..."

"I know," Casey said, "nobody can guess what I'm going through."

* * *

Casey sighed as he set Violet's car seat down on the couch and asked Kelly, "Can you watch her for a bit? I'm going to try and..."

Kelly got the message. "No problem, Matt."

Casey dug a notebook out of the newspaper rack and sat down at the dining room table and stared at the top sheet with a pen in hand for the longest time, but nothing came.

"I can't do this," he said as he pushed his chair back.

"Maybe you just need a change of scenery," Kelly offered, "Less distractions...why don't you try in the bedroom?"

Casey thought about it and realized Kelly might have a point. He took the pen and pad upstairs and sat on the bed and tried to think how he wanted to start, and with whom. He thought for the longest time, then finally he began.

* * *

Severide was starting to get an idea of what being a mother was like as he paced around the kitchen trying to simultaneously get dinner cooked while dealing with a fussy baby pressed against his shoulder.

"I know you don't give your father this much trouble," he commented as he rock-walked from the kitchen to the stove and back, "So why're you picking on me?"

"Having trouble?" Casey asked as he entered the kitchen.

Kelly turned around with a look of mild relief and explained, "I'm trying to burp her, for some reason she doesn't seem interested, but she won't stop crying until she does."

Casey grabbed a towel to drape over his shoulder and told his best friend, "Here, let me try."

"Thank you," Kelly said as he handed her off, "Between you and me, I don't think she likes me."

Casey chuckled at that. "She loves you."

"Then why's she giving me so much trouble?" Kelly asked.

"She _is_ a female after all," Casey replied. "Have you ever had one meaningful relationship with a woman that was _easy_?"

"Now that you mention it..." Kelly said as he stirred dinner.

"God knows Hallie and I had more than our fair share of rough patches," Casey said, pausing as he got the satisfactory response from his daughter, and went to put her down. He called out from the living room as he laid her down in her playpen, "But I wouldn't trade any of the time we had together because of it."

Casey stayed crouched down beside the playpen and looked at Violet, and just found himself staring at her in awe. It was a minute or so before he finally stood up, and as he did, a thought occurred to him.

"Everything okay?" Kelly appeared in the living room.

Casey nodded, "I was just thinking...my mom told me that when Christie and I were born, she would sleep with us on her chest for the first six weeks we were home from the hospital, she thought it bonded us or something...I'd _love_ to be able to do that with Violet but I'm scared to death I'd roll over and crush her in the night."

"That's understandable, but you know in a few months she'll be hopping over that crib and jumping into bed with you anyway...besides, just because you can't have her in the bed with you doesn't mean you can't move her crib into the bedroom, then she'll be right beside you all night," Kelly told him.

Casey looked at him, "I hadn't thought of that."

"See? I told you it'd come in handy to have me here," Kelly teased him.

* * *

That night Violet slept in her crib, which had been moved into Casey's room, along with the night light from her nursery. It was the only illumination in the room, faint but enough for Casey to see by as he sat up and scribbled out his letter. Every so often he glanced over at the sleeping baby, then returned to his task at hand. As he worked, his mind was overrun with images and sounds of the routine calls he had responded to for years, car crashes, house fires, structure collapses, and knew one day would be returning to, and that was the driving force that kept him churning out the words, as if in fear that time would slip away from him and it would be left incomplete. As he wrote he could just see himself with his company again, charging through the doors, pulling out on the rig, responding to the emergencies they faced in any given day.

_Dear Violet,_

_I hope that when the time comes for you to read this letter, that I am still alive to give it to you. As a firefighter, the future is never guaranteed and having lost many friends on this job, we know this fact better than most people ever will, all I can do is hope and pray that I will still be around when you grow up. If not, I want you to know what you meant to me for the time I had you._

_I wish I could say all you need to know is that I love you, and how much. But that wouldn't be fair to you or to your mother. I only knew her for a short time right before you were born, but in those brief moments, I knew just how much she loved and sacrificed for you, a true mother in every sense of the word, and I hope in all my efforts to raise you, that I have done right by her. As you get older you'll learn about all the different kinds of families that exist. Ours is one of those different kinds. By all rights, you should not be my daughter, I should never have been able to bring you home with me, because you had a birth family. Your mother was not my wife, and my wife was not your mother. It's complicated but I hope one day you'll be able to understand it. As heartbreaking as it was to watch you lose your mother before you ever got to know her, I can't help but think how blessed I am that I was there and I was able to adopt you. You are the only thing that has given my life meaning in a long time._

_In keeping with our different kind of family, I have to tell you about your older sister. Your sister was not your mother's child. She was my wife's child, and she died before she was born. As a parent, there is no pain that can match losing your child, and I pray that you never have to know what it's like. Your sister died before I ever had a chance to know her, or even know about her. Even though I never knew her, I think about her and miss her every day. In a twist of fate, had she been born and I got to raise her, you very likely would not be my daughter. Not because I would love you any less, but because when she died, I was left with a gaping hole in my life that only you were able to fill. You are what has kept me going all this time and I am so blessed to have you for a daughter. There are many times I think that none of this should be happening. But life had other plans for us, and one lesson I've learned the hard way is that you can spend your life cursing fate for taking you the directions it does, and taking the people away from you that it does, but you still can't change it, all you can do is move forward and be thankful for what and who you still have. If you're lucky, you'll have good friends who stand by you when times are hard and help you get through it. Your uncle Kelly has been that person in my life. He has stood by me from the time your sister died, and is still with me now helping me to raise you. As of the time of this letter, he doesn't have a family of his own, so I think he's thrilled at the aspect of raising a baby. He has a record that speaks for itself and he's definitely no pillar of the community, but his heart is usually in the right place and he'll always stand up for the people he cares about. If anything happens to me, he'll probably be the one continuing to raise you, he's the closest thing to a brother I've ever had and that's helped make a very hard decision a little easier. When you're older you'll realize parents have to consider all the hard questions about if something happens to them, what happens to their children? I feel a lot better knowing if I'm not around, that you will still be in good hands, I have a good idea that Kelly loves you about as much as I do. He may not ever admit it because that's just the kind of man he is, but you can tell by looking at his eyes._

_When you join the fire department you suddenly find yourself with a whole extended family you didn't want, but in time, if you wind up at a good fire house, you find out you need them, on the job and off the job. Their family becomes your family and vice versa, so you have been born into a very large, diverse, borderline dysfunctional family, all of whom are just crazy about you. When you get a little older you'll get acquainted with all of them: Brian 'Otis' Zvonecek, Joe Cruz, Christopher Herrmann and his wife Cindy and their five kids, Randy 'Mouch' McHolland, Tony Ferraris, Harold Capp, and our battalion chief, Wallace Boden. He has been a father figure to most of us since we transferred to Firehouse 51 over the years, and I know for a fact we would all be lost without him, I know for sure that I would be. I didn't have a good relationship with my father growing up, and he died when I was in high school and we never had a chance to reconcile, and in truth, I'm not sure we would've because it seemed he just wasn't that kind of man. Since I didn't have a great father growing up, it's vitally important that I make sure you have one now, and I hope you know how much you are loved. All parents are supposed to want better for their kids, and while it's not possible for a better child to exist than the one I have, I hope you have a much easier journey to starting your own family than I did._

He reached the end of the letter and just hovered for a few seconds, trying to figure out what to sign at the bottom. He glanced back over at Violet asleep in her crib, and decided that tidbit could wait until later. He put the notebook and pen over on the nightstand, and settled under the covers and slowly fell asleep.

* * *

Kelly knocked on the ajar door and stuck his head in, "Hey, everything okay?"

Casey was up, dressed and sitting on the edge of the bed kicking his heels against the box spring.

"Yeah, fine," he answered, trying to sound convincing. "Can I talk to you?"

Kelly pushed the door open and stepped in. "Sure, what's up?"

Matt looked towards the floor and had noticeable trouble talking about what was on his mind. "Uh...I've been thinking about some things...and something came up in therapy that I never told you...and..."

"If you don't want to tell me, you don't have to," Kelly said as he sat on the bed beside him.

"I told a total stranger my darkest secrets," Casey said. He looked at Kelly and asked, "So why's it so much harder to tell my best friend?"

"What is it?"

Casey closed his eyes, as if he was trying to push it all away. "When I confronted Gabby that last time...I told her that she'd made me into a whore, who she could goad into sex any time she said 'jump'." He opened his eyes for a second, then squeezed them shut again.

Kelly looked at him in shock, unable to determine what it meant. "Matt..."

"When I think about the time we were together and everything we went through, I still feel like it," Casey admitted, "I feel _dirty_. Like..." he shook his head, "Like she...it sounds stupid."

"Tell me, Casey," Kelly said, "like she what?"

"It's like she branded me, it feels like everyone can see it," Casey told him.

Kelly was still in awe by this confession. "I never knew that's how you felt, buddy."

"I never told you...when I decided to run for alderman...what...what the final straw was that I agreed."

Kelly just looked at him, and waited to see what Matt would say, if he would say anything.

"I'd already told her no, I wasn't interested...and she had this gift box, she said an early Valentine's Day present...a new set of lingerie...she had another pep talk about I was the kind of person Chicago needed but she _knew_ that wasn't gonna do it alone. Oh God, I feel like such an idiot, Kelly."

"Hey," Kelly's voice was soft and low as he reached over and put a hand on Casey's shoulder and pulled the blonde lieutenant against him, "You're not an idiot, Matt."

"She knew, she always knew exactly what buttons to push to goad me into doing whatever she wanted," Casey's voice was full of self loathing as he spoke, "And I always fell for it...what was wrong with me?"

"Nothing," Kelly told him, "You always thought your relationship with Gabby would be a normal give and take one, you never realized she just took all the time and never gave anything when it didn't benefit her. You were a loving husband, Matt, there's nothing wrong with that."

"Then why couldn't I ever see what she was doing until after it was too late?" Matt wanted to know.

"Because you are a trusting person with a good heart, and since you would never take advantage of someone, it's hard for you to think someone else would, especially your wife."

"But if I had, if I _did_ think about that," Casey murmured against Kelly's shoulder, "My daughter might be alive. How did I not see it, Kelly? How did I not know? And how did I not know what kind of person Gabby was?"

Kelly sighed and soothingly rubbed Casey's back, "She had us all fooled, Matt, I never would've thought she was capable of that, nobody would."

Casey was silent for a few seconds, before hesitantly asking, "Is it bad that I wonder what she's doing now?"

Kelly looked down at him. Casey met his inquiring stare and explained, "I mean...I don't ever want to see her again, but I just wonder...where is she...what's she doing...she killed our baby so she could be a firefighter, is she doing it now? Did she finally get what she wanted?"

"Gabby's _never_ going to have what she wants," Kelly told him. "But no, I don't think there's anything wrong with it. You were together for a long time, you're _going_ to wonder about her, it's normal."

"It doesn't feel normal," Casey replied. "After what she did...it feels like she should be dead to me...some days I think she is...other days I'm scared to death that she might actually come back."

Kelly moved his hand from Casey's back up to the back of his head and subconsciously gripped a handful of his short hair and told him, "She'll never come back. If she does, I'll kill her myself."

Casey laughed slightly at his spontaneous comment.


End file.
